Learning Along The Way

Building Muscle (Learning to Trust)

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Disclaimer: This is not a post about body building.

It seems the natural reaction to doing something for the first time is often fear.  Picture a swimming pool for a moment. You’ve probably seen a child standing on the edge of a diving board, looking down at the water and waiting. So much uncertainty. You may have also seen a child turn around and walk back off the board. Or perhaps you know one who refused to climb the ladder in the first place. Or get their face in the water.  The unknown can be overwhelming.

When I talk about riding a tandem bike with my husband I am met with one of three responses: “That would be so fun!” OR “That would be terrifying!” OR “I could NEVER do that!”  Interestingly when I first considered sitting on the back seat and actually riding the bike with my husband terror was what gripped me.  It wasn’t because I didn’t know what riding a bike was like; I’d been riding bikes since I was 7.  It was because of trust.  Or coming face to face with the need to leave my comfort zone and the real potential for getting physically hurt!  I didn’t say I would NEVER do that, but I did feel fear grip my insides.

Trust can be a fuzzy thing. We toss the word around so nonchalantly. We say things like “I can trust him with my life!” or “Don’t trust her she’s a practical joker.” But when fear wells up inside, your Trust muscle needs to take over.

I said trust can be fuzzy; I guess what I mean is that it’s a big idea that can be explained by experiences and other words that are also big ideas. It’s not like Tree.  You can look at pictures of trees. But to define trust you need experiences and other words. Faith. Belief. Trust. They are all synonyms and can be used to help bring clarity to the big idea.

When I realized I was afraid to trust my husband with all the control on the bike a new awareness began dawning on the edges of my consciousness. Not just that I was a control freak. I had had that fact pointed out on many occasions and not always in light-hearted ways. No, the new idea that began as a flicker of recognition on the horizon of my awareness was: if I don’t trust him, do I really love him?

Of course I wanted to be able to say I trust my husband. But at that moment when I climbed onto the back of the borrowed tandem 18 years ago my heart was racing and fear was running rampant and all I could say was “Try not to kill us!” Not a very trusting statement.  Fortunately all body parts were intact after the 10 minute ride through the neighborhood. That one ride didn’t cure me of my freak nature but it did build my trust a teeny bit. He proved he knew how to steer and brake safely. We didn’t fall down or crash. (All good things to avoid when possible)

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(my view from the tandem)

Trust is like a muscle. It has to be used to grow. And it has to be strained to get stronger.

My trust of my husband’s cycling ability wasn’t going to go off the charts with one 10 minute ride.  But if there was a meter to measure the increase of trust , I know mine began to go up that day. And as trust went up, my need to control started to loosen its grip on my life.

Aren’t we like that with God? We’re not sure if He’s trustworthy so we only give Him a little bit of room in our lives. When He shows Himself faithful (like He says He is) then our trust goes up.

Here’s a thought: You can’t fully trust someone you don’t know.

I’d been married to my husband for 6 years when we first shared that ride on a tandem bike. It wasn’t as if I didn’t know him. But I discovered then that I didn’t fully trust him.

My need for control in all areas of my life was revealing my lack of trust; of people, but ultimately of God, too. If I was going to be able to loosen the grip of the control freak role in my life I was going to have to exercise my trust muscle in new and harder ways. I was going to have to learn to trust.

I could learn more about my husband. I could practice riding with him. But if it’s true you can’t trust someone you don’t know, how do we learn to trust God?

You can get to know Him in a million little ways.  More tomorrow…

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What’s Your Why?

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Some of the things I spend my time doing daily are have to’s and some are want to’s.  I imagine that is true for you as well.  Figuring out the difference between the have to’s and want to’s as I go through my day can be helpful, but a lot of the time I find myself asking “why am I doing this activity?”

Knowing my Why makes all the difference.  Not just in the short term to help me stay motivated but in the long term to help me FOCUS.

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When I began to learn about how I could be a better wife I discovered the learning wasn’t just for being a wife. I was learning how to be a better person. A better Christ follower.

And learning how to follow Christ is the exact place that the enemy of our souls wants to trip us up. I believe that’s in large part why God’s construct for submission has been so criticized and degraded. Yes, I know and agree there have been MANY abuses of submission. Lots of people have used the concept to control rather than to love & shepherd well.  There has been MUCH hurt: physical, emotional & spiritual, because of the misuse and misunderstanding of Biblical submission.  But God…

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His plan is good. His Word is for our good. People misunderstand, take portions out of context, stripping the Word away from the full counsel of God, and have made submission like profanity.

And it is not!

Now mind you I’ve had years of wrestling with the way I’ve thought about submission because of the cultural era in which I grew from child to woman; as a result of all the mixed and mistaken messages I have gone to God’s Word again and again to look at the good that has come from His headship and the woes that have happened by going my own way.  I’ve asked myself many times why is submission important, and what does the Bible say about it really?

If you are  familiar with Scripture you may think the place to go to get a good understanding about submission is in the Apostle Paul’s letter to Ephesians. It’s the most quoted and taken out of proper context verse on the topic. But that’s not the place I want to begin.  That abused verse isn’t going to help answer the Why.

Instead let’s take a look at Jesus the Son. In the Garden of Gethsemane. In anguish over what was coming, He went to beg His Father for a different Way, a different outcome. He prayed 3 times. And He said this: “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”

“not as I will, but as you will”

This is submission.

Having a conversation with God, expressing His concerns, desires, fears and trusting that the Father’s will for Jesus was better than the Son’s desires for Himself in Christ’s full humanity; that was His Why. And being fully God He had full knowledge of the bigger Why; the redemption of all humanity by His sinless death on the gruesome cross.

In having my own conversation with God, expressing my concerns, desires, fears and trusting that God’s will for me is better than my desires for myself; that’s the Why.

Husbands are called to submit to wives, wives to husbands and all of us to authorities. And we all are to submit to/surrender to/follow Christ.

We have a voice. We have rights. Jesus had both. But God in those circumstances had a different plan with Jesus’s submission. A much bigger plan with hard, horrible circumstances.

I don’t want to gloss over the pain of both the Father and the Son at the crucifixion and run quickly to the outcome on the 3rd Day. It is terribly disrespectful to what Christ endured for each of us to simply say there’s our model. We are not little Jesus’s nor are most called to literally sacrifice life for the good of mankind, but the pain and struggle of submitting one’s will is my FOCUS today.

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Learning biblical truth is not like studying for a test. To have success, you have to train — you have to practice for success. It doesn’t happen in a 10 week Bible study.  Learning is demonstrated by the effect on a life. Following is like submitting. You are not in charge. The Captain is.

And Living in Tandem is a life long journey.

Who’s in Charge Here?

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Who’s in Charge Here?

On the second day of this #write31days series I shared how beneficial being mentored had been for me. Having a mentor speak into my life was literally transformational.  I am not the same woman I used to be thanks to the Lord intervening through Peggy’s willingness to speak the Truth in love.

Because of our friendship Peggy earned the right to give me earnest counsel. She saw up close where my heart was turning bitter and gently pointed it out.  She helped me consider another way of being and thinking as a wife that I had not seen in my family of origin.  We talked about the “S” word and I learned that Biblical submission is not about holding down a woman’s will and making her a doormat to step on.  There would be no demeaning of my humanity as it is perceived in the world view of submission.

I was on my second marriage at this point and things weren’t going so well. In fact, this second marriage was starting to have elements of my first marriage. Had I made another tragic mistake? Or could it be the issue was in the common denominator in these two marriages? Oh wait! That would be me!  Peggy spoke into my life a very hard truth: I had to stop looking back at the marriage that didn’t last, seek healing and learn to live & grow in the marriage I was in. I was no longer the other guy’s wife and so for this young second marriage to be healthy I would need to do some changing. Hmmm.

Peggy shared a different picture of submission this way: imagine you are standing in the pouring rain without an umbrella. Along comes your husband with an umbrella and invites you to stand under it. You don’t have to but you choose to.  The rain represents the full weight of responsibility of life. The umbrella represents a covering that the husband provides; a way of doing life together.  Yes you can have your own umbrella and be independent but when you share an umbrella you can learn to walk together more closely.  Sometimes it’s awkward and adjusting has to happen. But as the umbrella covers us from the rain, so learning to come under the headship God provides is the covering of submission.

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Peggy’s umbrella picture stuck with me. I began asking God to show me how I could love my husband, how I could love God better through practicing acts of submission.  What would I gain? What would I lose? Those were questions I began to wrestle with in prayer before God.

It’s a big idea, submission. It’s a perfect concept that has been misused and misunderstood for millennia. I can’t unpack all that I have learned in one sitting.  But I want to share with you the beauty and freedom that comes when Biblical submission is lived out.  I’m not in charge. God is. He’s really the One sitting in the front seat on the tandem of my life.

I know this topic stirs up lots of thoughts…share them in the comments and let’s open the discussion okay?

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The Basic Elements of Living in Tandem

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As I’ve pondered this bicycle metaphor I’ve been alluding to so far in the first 10 days of this series, the metaphor has gone deep into God and wide out into the world.  A tandem bike? Really?

Really.

Here’s why: as a Christ follower we live this earthly life learning to…well… follow. That implies someone is ahead, leading. Showing the Way. But we don’t live this life independent; we’re closely connected, to the One who is leading. Christ is constantly present with us. We have His strength, His wisdom, His love to guide our lives.

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There are 3 basic elements to this tandem metaphor that I’ll spend the rest of this series exploring:

Getting to Know the Captain;

Getting to Know Our Part; and

Working as a Team.

I’m really excited to share the Biblical basis for each of these elements and hope to inspire you to begin deeply considering where you are in your relationship with Christ; how aware you are about your role in relationship with Him; and the vital part you play as a member of the Body of Christ.

Let’s take a look at this photo together for a moment.

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What are the stand out elements for you?

For me at first glance I see the light in the clouds. Then I notice the things that are in the foreground.  You might have approached it differently. I’d love to hear.

What’s my point? We see a similar circumstance differently. Nothing is wrong with different perspectives. They are just different. Difference can enrich life. But sometimes we can let difference divide us.

The idea of our spiritual life being like riding a tandem bicycle is an idea, a perspective, that has been formed through my experience riding on the back seat. God has used these experiences to deepen my awareness of Him, to help me learn more about myself in relation to Him and others, and the experiences on the bike have helped me see value in the part I play. These are good things. But they are my perspective.  You might see things differently. I’d love to engage with you to hear your thoughts as this series unfolds.

You may comment here, over on Facebook or Instagram or even on Twitter. I’d love to have you share your perspective!

What is Enough?

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The sun is just up over the horizon, the house is quiet, the only noise the hum of the refrigerator. Outside is a different thing.

Birds of countless varieties are moving and chattering; calling out their finds of bugs, worms, seeds.

Beads of dew on blades of grass catching new light as if a thousand diamonds grace the ground.

All is quiet for a moment; a hush of new day awareness.

A mockingbird begins its litany of imitations with the loudest voice in the yard and the chorus begins anew.

A hummingbird swoops into view, hovers near the lemon tree where the fragrance of the tree draws in search of a blossom to dip into to.

This moment is enough.

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What does that even mean?

In a culture that looks for the next best thing, seeks more than what is and uses “never” to pair with enough, it’s hard to imagine that something that simple and quiet can be called enough.

And yet, it’s moments like this our soul finds satisfaction.

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How can we capture moments? How do we learn to see them in the first place?

Practice. It’s possible to learn to see, learn to hear. Jesus said let them who have eyes to see, see. Let them who have ears to hear, hear.  That seems to me to be an invitation to ask for that to be true for me. For each of us.

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Some call it mindfulness. Some use the phrase living with intention.

I call it Living in Tandem.

Living in Tandem with the One who offers the gift of each moment. It’s learning to live aware. Aware of subtlety. Aware of the expanse hidden in a seed.

Aware of His abiding Presence.

One of the greatest tools I have come across for developing this awareness of God’s Presence is the little book Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

Brother Lawrence was a Carmelite monk in 17th century Paris. Before he joined the monastery he served in the army because he was so poor he knew he would be fed and clothed in turn for his serving. While in the army in the dead of winter, he saw a tree which was of course without leaves or fruit. He realized the tree as a symbol of hope for new life. It was at that moment “first flashed in upon my soul the fact of God”. This point of conversion led him to eventually join the Carmelite monastery in Paris.

Brother Lawrence was a simple man without advanced learning yet his simple awareness of God’s abiding Presence was noticed by all who encountered him.  We have Abbe de Beaufort to thank for having conversations with Brother Lawrence and writing them down for us to be able to glean for our own spiritual growth.  If you have not yet read this thin book I highly recommend you do.

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Developing awareness of God is a life long practice. And yet God wants to be found by us, to have our hearts turned toward Him, to learn to trust Him.

What is enough? You are. As you are. Because if you love Christ and are on the journey with Him, He lives in you. See? You actually are MORE than enough.

Friday Funday!!

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Doesn’t this look amazing? This is a new dish we tried at the new outdoor dining area called The Yard next to AT&T Park.  The dish is called Lamb Poutine. A bit of a twist on the traditional Canadian dish. And it WAS amazing. Glad the Hubster and I shared it! The culinary talent was shared with us and was a way of demonstrating Image Bearing.

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This is an amazing mural on the side of a store in the Noe Valley neighborhood of San Francisco. It was a fun discovery that simply shows forth for Christ.

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Yesterday I drove south from the Bay Area and saw this along the way.  A very creative trailer; reminding me of The Wind in the Willows. A gypsy cart headed ‘no where in particular’. Creativity is a way of showing forth the image of our Creator.

How do these photos tie together?

One of my favorite things all my adult life has been looking forward to the weekend: no school, no homework, no work, different routine, sports, friend over for dinner, church, naps, etc. So I’ve thought of Friday as a FunDay for a Very.Long.Time.

So here we are!  It’s Friday Funday.  And I’m away from home for the weekend!  I have the privilege of being away at a retreat focused on scrapbooking.  Lots of laughter and snacks and wine. Now I know there are those of you who wonder how might this fit in my series on Living in Tandem. Well, I’m glad you asked!

When we have opportunity to gather in community with friends to listen, encourage, share stories and laugh we are image bearers in a way that is authentic to who we are in Christ.  We can risk being vulnerable, risk being available to others, and simply enjoy one another’s company.

It’s not easy to make time to break away from the responsibilities of our lives. And yet, getting away to refresh, renew and recreate is exactly what God intends in a Sabbath rest.

So it’s the beginning of the weekend. Friday Funday. How are you going to renew this weekend?

The Push & Pull of Being a Control Freak

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It was May and I was in the 7th month of my pregnancy. Teaching 5th grade at a newly re-opened neighborhood school was such a joy; the students were at a great age to enjoy seeing the baby’s elbow move across my stomach while I was teaching.  The laughter and oohs & aahs were so fun.  I left school that Wednesday afternoon to head to my regular OB appointment; excited to hear the baby’s heartbeat again and know how s/he was developing.  Little did I know that was the last time I would be in my classroom that school year.

My doctor’s appointment didn’t go so well. What I thought had been Braxton Hicks turned out to be actual pre-term labor.  The doctor sent me home with a prescription to stop the contractions and strict orders to be “on bed rest”.  What was I supposed to do now?  I had a class to take care of and a nursery to get ready.  Magnifying the moment was the sad fact that my husband had moved out of our marriage & home two months earlier. I was alone.  And I would have to ask for help.

For some people that is no big deal; asking for help makes perfect sense.  We’re all wired to be in community and to be sharing and caring for one another.  Unfortunately I was not raised to be asking anyone for anything.  Helping others in need was a given, but it was NOT ok to be the one in need.  To find myself forced to ask for, and depend on, help from others was SO HARD!!!

I came face to face with my pride and my need for control in big ways. And they were not pretty. I had two dogs, a cat, a house, and a classroom that all needed care.  How was I going to ask for help with all this?  Who would have time? Why would they care? How humiliating!!

Feeling needy and helpless was so foreign.

Have you been there? I wish I could say ‘that was then and now I’ve grown past that and let me tell you how to get over it’ but the truth is I still battle the pride monster.

It’s a push & pull: trying to push past the scary feeling of needing to ask for help and trying to resist the pull back into the old habit.

Paul said it best in his letter to the Roman believers “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience? Yes I’m full of myself—after all I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.” (The Message)

One of the most challenging parts of living in tandem is learning to let go of being in control.  If you’re a person who says ‘I could never ride a tandem bike’ you might want to join me in working on control issues!  Our need for control starts for different reasons but what I think we’re all really facing is the same issue of trust.

This is no small thing.  

How have you dealt with issues of trust?

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When Relationships Hit a Rough Patch

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Do you like to daydream? I do. I developed a very active daydream imagination when I was a child living in chaos. It was my favorite way of ‘going away’ in my head.

Wouldn’t it be great if we lived in an ideal world where there was no conflict of any kind?

Unfortunately we don’t. Yet. But in the mean time we have to navigate the twists and turns and bumps that conflict brings along the way.  Sometimes that’s easier than others.

It’s easy when we don’t have to interact with conflict up close and personal.  We can pretend conflict doesn’t exist since there is some distance between us. Or maybe we pretend the person we have the conflict with doesn’t exist?

Distance is an insulator.  It can give us emotional space and time to process how we think or feel.  Of course pretending that conflict doesn’t exist is not a healthy, healing way of dealing with conflict long term. But it can work as a temporary fix.  A little Queen of Egypt behavior is in all of us at one time or another. You’ve heard that saying?

She’s like the Queen of Egypt—she lives in D-Nile.

Too much denial will eventual lead to zero relationship.  A conflict without resolution becomes a place for bitterness. And when we’re full of bitterness it leaks out of us and we’re no fun to be around.  I wish I was telling you all this from my notes in a class I took. Unfortunately not. I know that of which I speak. Changing my way of dealing with conflict has been challenging at best and grueling at worst.  So if I can encourage you to keep short accounts and not let a root of bitterness take hold that many might be defiled then I will hold up a road sign that says: DON”T GO THIS WAY!!

Learning new habits can be fun but there is a letting go of another way of behaving that also has to happen; especially in relationship communication.

Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

I know this verse by heart. And like most of the verses I memorized as a younger Christ follower, I committed it to memory because I needed to learn to apply what it said.  You see, I had it backwards. Completely. Backwards.

Healthy communication is healthy because there isn’t any name calling, critical tone, sassy attitude, or negativity of any kind. I didn’t know how to do that. In any relationship.

Can you say HOT MESS?

Yeah. That was me. But God…

Learning to deal with communication differently has taken my lifetime. I’m what might be called a slow learner. At least a reluctant, stubborn learner. Thankfully the old habits rarely rear their ugly, hurtful heads now.

Good communication is possible. But you have to be willing to make changes in your own way of doing things to find a comfortable common way of communicating that works for both parties.  This takes time, effort and practice. Just like riding a tandem bike.

Learning to communicate peacefully and effectively is a skill that can be acquired but it’s also evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in our lives. The word ‘fruit’ is singular in this verse which means you don’t separate out one to focus on; they are altogether a Way God evidences Himself to those we come in contact with. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control are all together being formed in His children by the work of the Holy Spirit.

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Isn’t this a cute pillow?  I found it one day when I wasn’t looking for a pillow…I’m sure you know how that goes. It sits on our bed, a daily reminder of the fact that we continue to learn to live in tandem.

When a Soul Needs Quiet

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All morning long I’ve been juggling calendar and email; sending and receiving texts; straightening up around the house; taking care of business. It’s only 11:00 am and I feel spent. Part of me feels as if nothing has gotten done. My infamous to-do list has boxes checked so if that’s my measuring stick I know I am ok.

But something is still not settled.

My soul needs quiet.

It has been a long, slow journey to awareness of that fact. Detoxing from years of too full calendar space and changing habits has not come easily to me.

I have lived a life of performance to earn favor. A life bound up by believing lies that perpetuated the performance even after following Christ.

But God…

Whispers quietly to come be still and know.

But God…

Invites me to Come to Him when I am weary and burdened and He will give me rest.

But God…

Speaks words of comfort as He promises to never leave me or forget me.

Those are literally my two favorite words in the Bible. I have them circled in my Bible…

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When my life feels overwhelming and tasks feel impossible to accomplish

When I feel my internal world swirling

When I slip into listening to the lies I have heard so many times

I know my soul needs quiet.

How can quiet happen when it seems there is so much noise?!

It’s a discipline. A thing to try. A habit to be formed.

I have learned to say those two amazing words But God…

And remember God has a different idea for me.

He is bigger than any issue we face. He knows. He cares. He longs to have us aware of His abiding Presence; to come to Him in a breath to slow down and be quiet.

Our souls need to be filled up before we are poured out in our days. And refilled in the middle of the day! And throughout the day!!!

Living in Tandem is a journey. A soul journey of learning to live aware.  A journey implies a beginning and an end. I believe the end will be when He calls each of us to our promised eternal home with Him.

The beginning? Well that depends on you.

What’s your response to His invitation to get on the bike with Him?

But God…

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A Good Road to Ride

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Since I have been thinking a lot about what the idea Living in Tandem looks like for this series, it seems I see correlations all over the place!  Some are more obvious than others, but this correlation might be a stretch for you: your calendar has an impact on Living in Tandem.

As a coach I like to know more about people than what they do for a living. It’s helpful to know how someone spends their time; if they hear themselves frequently saying “can’t, I’m busy”, what’s filling their calendar? A person’s calendar says a lot about their priorities.

The predominant American culture is driven. Calendars are full; over full to the point of producing stress. Parents are recruiting help to shuttle littles to their own over-filled activity list since we still haven’t figured teleportation out yet. (Star Trek, anyone?) This calendar thing is not just a Gen-X or Millenial issue.  It didn’t occur because of the tech revolution. The problem with our over-full lives began post- WWII in the “rebuilding” of the American dream. Baby Boomers were the first generation to experience what it means to be a ‘latch key kid’. And because it’s not a recent development, the problem is entrenched in society.  So what are we supposed to do?

We have to say No more.

I’ve fought this fight on several fronts so I know how hard it is to say No and mean it. Here are the reasons our calendars tend to fill to the brin:

1) We see others ‘doing a lot’ so we think it’s expected of us too.

2) We are afraid of missing out on something for ourselves or our children’s lives (search #FOMO) It’s a thing.

3) We are afraid of having to face our inner selves if we have too much time on our hands.

4) We’ve got a lot riding on us (other’s expectations) so we perform

I lived under the tyranny of these 4 calendar dictators for more than half my life. When the Hubster and I first married he began asking for something I didn’t know how to provide: whitespace on the calendar.  I had no idea how to let go of the things that filled our weekends and evenings.  A lot of anxiety welled up in me imagining how I would be letting people down or not doing my share or… And what in the world would we do with an empty calendar one Saturday a month?!!

In 1995, a book was published that we later were introduced to. Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives. Now there’s a title! Reading the book was one step. Putting action to what we read took more effort.  I began to recognize how the struggles with an over-filled calendar were negatively impacting our marriage and sons. Lack of margin was wearing us all down and that wasn’t going to end well.

I wrestled with my issues found in the 4 reasons above.  I’ve had many to wrestle!  But in my wrestling I wanted to know God’s thoughts on these issues.  I found comfort in this passage:

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When I first felt Micah 6:8 resonate in my soul we were singing it in church.  The simplicity and love I found there was so gentle.  There wasn’t a load dumped on my shoulders.  I began to realize ever so slowly that God’s desires for me were for my good not for my performance and over commitment.

Learning to say No was hard but it was good.  Just like change.  I had to let go of over commitment to say yes to my husband’s need for more whitespace.  Living in Tandem is like that. It’s a Good Road to Ride. Giving and receiving.

You might be facing a season of over commitment.  Or you may find your life is characterized by over commitment as mine was.  You CAN make a little change to take that first step that can lead to another and another until the over committed calendar is tamed.  It takes time, but you can do it!

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