Learning Along The Way

Confessions of a Recovering Control Freak

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I am challenged.  I know that may sound funny, and my family is probably saying, “Duh!” but what I mean to say is I am being challenged.  Challenged to stretch. grow. change.  And it’s not comfortable or easy.

True Confessions?  I am a recovering control freak.  I have mentioned that issue before so I won’t dive too far in.  Just far enough to admit it.  Here’s how.

I have had a skewed view of friendship.  I am happy to spend time with friends, listen to their stories, laugh with them, cry with them, take care of their children, live life.  But when my life gets busy, I put my head down and get busy, withdrawing from others, ignoring calls or letting texts drop.  Definitely not reaching out, sometimes not responding when an invitation would come my way.  In this way, I was controlling my friendships.  I was being a one way friend.  And in a way, I was controlling relationships.

That is not a friend.  A friend loves at all times.

When is all?  Oh yeah.  ALL.

I am challenged.  I want to be a better friend.  I want to reconnect, reach out, invite, participate.

Ann Voskamp and the team at (in)Courage are planning something big to help women like me be more intentional with friendships.  I suggest you take a look at their plans here.  Let me know how you’re being stretched and if you’re challenged like me.  And if you have called me your friend, and I haven’t acted like one, not only am I truly sorry but know that I am committed to change.  Of course that means more FUN!  And that’s the perfect thing for a Friday, right?

 

Too Many Pictures!

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Yesterday, after reading my post “Learning to Listen” my DH (dear husband) said he liked the learning to listen part but the boulder didn’t make sense.  “I know what you mean because I know you, but it didn’t make sense there.” Of course, my DH is right.  Too many pictures clutter the scene.

 

If you’re a reader that doesn’t know my story yet then the picture of the Boulder in my path was probably confusing for you too.  It does tie in with Learning to Listen I promise. And true to His Way in my life, God brought me the connection in the well written form of a devotional entry from Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.  She has done a masterful job of writing in the first person, Jesus talking to you.  Here is today’s entry, February 22, as is:

 

“You need Me every moment.  Your awareness of your constant need for Me is your greatest strength.  Your neediness, properly handled, is a link to my Presence.  However, there are pitfalls that you must be on guard against: self-pity, self-preoccupation, giving up.  Your inadequacy presents you with a continual choice—deep dependence on Me, or despair.  The emptiness you feel within will be filled either with problems or with My Presence.  Make Me central in your consciousness by praying continually: simple, short prayers flowing out of the present moment.  Use My Name liberally, to remind you of My Presence.  Keep on asking and you will receive, so that your gladness may be full and complete.” (1Thessalonians 5:17)

 

How does this tie to the Boulder in my Path?  It’s a metaphor for what got in the way of my perfect life as defined by me.  My husband, (not the DH; he comes later!) chose an affair over our marriage while I was pregnant with our first child.  That reality was the Boulder.  What I did about it was summed up in today’s entry from Jesus Calling: “there are pitfalls that you must be on guard against: self-pity, self-preoccupation, giving up.  Your inadequacy presents you with a continual choice—deep dependence on Me, or despair.”

 

At first I did what I thought God would want me to do, but I was not skilled at listening and definitely unpracticed in the art of Waiting.  When I didn’t get what I wanted (a restored marriage) I tried to solve the problem on my own.  Not really listening, not really looking deeply at the Word or seeking wisdom from those who had walked this path ahead of me.  That’s the part about finding my own footholds and hand holds to find a way over the Boulder.

 

After hearing from my husband that reconciliation was not going to happen, we divorced.  Failure.  Single parenthood. Loneliness. Despair. You get the picture.  After our divorce was final I decided to make my own way and that was to replace the husband.  I would be back on the path to a perfect life!  Makes sense right? In my not-so-far-in-my-past pre-Jesus life, the way to meet men involved going to bars.  (This is where the DH comes into the picture).  I met this cute guy, he liked me and life was good again.

 

Fast forward four years of life lived in my own strength without Listening and I’m still on the Boulder making my own way.  I was pregnant with our first child, co-parenting my 5 year old; my DH not a man of faith and me a woman of nominal faith.  It was at this point in my climb over the Boulder that I slipped and crashed into the weeds.  I had a miscarriage.  The loss of a child is traumatic no matter when the child’s life ends.  It was here, when I found myself in the weeds after all my efforts to get over the Boulder and on my perfect life path, that I came to the end of my self.  I earnestly cried out to God for help; desperate to truly connect with Him and His plan for me.  Here is where I began Learning to Listen.

 

With all this back story I hope it makes sense why I shortened the explanation yesterday!  Although I may appear to be the central character in this memoir, the real Central Character is God.  He made a New Way for me (Is. 43:19; Jn 14-6).  He will make your Way straight (Prov. 3:5-6).  “God’s hand is not so short that it cannot save, neither is His ear so dull that it cannot hear.” (Is. 59:1) Call out to Him! (Jer. 33:3; Rom. 10:8-10).

 

Learning to Listen

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This lovely sunflower is a volunteer in my garden.  That means I didn’t plant it.  Sometimes volunteers come from the naturalizing of plants.  Sometimes they come from birds.  And sometimes a volunteer shows up from long dormant seeds that have finally received enough water to sprout the life hidden within.

How seeds come to life in unlikely places is such a mystery!  All the conditions for growth have to be there for the seed to be successful.   Sometimes the conditions look lush and it makes perfect sense a plant would sprout. Sometimes the conditions look harsh and it’s amazing a seed would even sprout not to mention take root and flourish!  I do some preparation for my garden but really I am a neglectful gardener.  When I see a volunteer thriving in my yard I’m thrilled!  That new life in an unlikely place makes me think of a picture from my  life.

My adult life looked pretty straightforward: finish college, earn a teaching credential, start teaching, get married, start a family.  Pretty standard stuff.  But the path wasn’t  straight and easy.  I came around a bend and a Big Boulder blocked my path.  There was no where to go!  I sat down, overwhelmed by this roadblock in my otherwise perfect life.  I sank into despair.  As an untrained listener, I thought whatever happened next was on me to figure out.

I spent a lot of time trying to see how to get over this Boulder right in front of me.  I tried the climbing technique of “bouldering”: finding hand holds and foot holds to scale the side of it; I tried working my way around it; I even tried chipping away at it, all in hopes of breaking it down to continue on the path I thought my life should be on.  I made some headway and climbed up almost to the top ready to jump over onto the other side when my foot slipped and I slid down a different side, crashing to the bottom, ending not on the path, but off in the weeds!  I was a mess!  Trying to make something happen on my own without seeking help landed me in a heap and back into despair!

It was after this second detour that I finally caught a clue; I can’t navigate the path of my life without guidance.  I needed to seek  wisdom, learn to listen and apply wisdom to my life.  I submitted myself to the One who transplanted the seed of my life and began in me the process of sprouting, growing and bringing forth new life.

Learning to listen to the Voice is a process.  I thought there was a to do list to work through that would equal great growth;  “I’ve done my chores now bless me Father” kind of relationship.  It was a starting place for sure.  But God calls us forth to so much more from so much less.  He wants each of us to simply be with Him.  Learning to listen to His voice whisper in the wind, speak in the hush of snowfall, or call over the ocean waves crashing on the shore has taken lots of practice.  Other than the Word, the most powerful little book that has been a tool of listening for me is Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.  Learning to listen to and be with God was Brother Lawrence’s greatest aim.  Whether peeling potatoes in the kitchen or doing daily chores or in times of prayer with the brethren, Brother Lawrence developed the habit of listening to the One Who is always present.

We can too.  There are so many challenges to listening in our information saturated culture with the “entertain me now” mindset; the challenge to push back against the noise to find even a moment of silence and solitude can be more of a battle than a challenge!  If you are in this process of learning to listen, I’d love to share in this challenge with you. We need to be in community with others who, like Brother Lawrence, desire to be “present to the Presence”.

Saturday Sigh

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What makes you sigh?  If you’re like me a sigh can mean a lot of different things. Sometimes I sigh when I’m feeling blue.  Sometimes it’s a sigh related to stress; a way to relieve pressure.  Sometimes it’s a sigh of content.

 

Ever notice yourself sighing a lot?  I never really noticed my sighs until shortly after my dad died 4 years ago.  His decision to take his life stunned me; it was tragedy beyond description. I spent a lot of mental energy replaying conversations, scenes from family gatherings, in a desperate effort to make sense of it all.  It was during this season of deep sorrow that I noticed my sighing.

 

In the pursuit of distraction from my loss, I had the privilege of going to a friend’s to work with her horses.  There is truly some mystical healing connection that God allowed me to work through by grooming those animals.  I learned a lot about the habits of horses, the common and those unique to each horse.  Did you know that when a horse blows air through its mouth, bouncing its lips, they are relieving tension?  It was through working with the horses that I first made the connection to my new frequent sighing habit.  To sigh meant I was physically releasing stress that had accumulated within me.

 

Over time as God has worked deep healing in me I have sighed less and less from the stress of loss.  But I notice when I sigh now and it’s become a self-check mechanism: kind of a biofeedback tool for me to pay attention to what is going on within me.  That’s how I have learned that a sigh means different things for me.

 

So why title this post Saturday Sigh?  When the week has been full of work, comings and goings, and lots of appointments, a respite from our regular hoopla comes on the weekend.  Saturday brings a sigh of relief.  It’s a release of stress and a settling into a slower pace.  Today is a Saturday of white space on the calendar; no obligations, no commitments.  Yes there are things that need to be done but somehow when the clock is not the ruler of the day, there is an audible sigh of relief.

 

How about you?  What makes you sigh?

Thankful

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Ever have one of those days?  You know the kind: the coffee pot clogs and water and grounds are all over the counter, the car doesn’t start, all the lights turn red on your way to your appointment and you’re already late?  What about a day when you get in one of those moods? Your clothes are uncomfortable, your coffee is too hot, and something smells bad in the fridge.  Things seem to go from bad to worse each moment.  The merry go round is going and you want to get off!  How do you stop it?  The best way to throw on the brakes that I have tried is to stop!

 

But it takes more than just telling myself this attitude stinks and I don’t want to be this way.  I have to change my attitude.  The only thing I have found that actually works for me is to force myself to name good things that happened that day.  There are good things happening all the time but when I am in “one of those moods” I don’t see them.  I have to stop and remind myself of what they are.  So the question becomes, What am I thankful for?

 

Sometimes I have to start with the basics: the air I am breathing, a body that is working, water to drink.  But once I get going, recognizing the many things I have to be thankful for I can literally feel my muscles relax and the tense, yucky attitude fades.  It isn’t easy to get there, I really have to force myself out of the bad attitude sometimes.  I have been challenged on many occasions by how opposite my head and heart feel from the straightforward words of Paul …”in everything, give thanks.”  What has really helped me is remembering that change is a process it’s not as simple as flipping a light switch: on – off- on – off.  I have to cultivate thankfulness.  That takes focused attention.

 

If you need help with this like I do, I have a book recommendation for you.  It is life changing!  1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  Her writing style is very poetic and visual; as I read I could see the road she spoke of, the trees she described.  But she has an economy of words that I admire; a way of writing that drew me in but didn’t go on too long.  I don’t want to take away from the value of reading her book, but I loved how she unpacked this idea of being thankful.  If you haven’t read it I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you do.  Then when you start to go down the path of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, you can catch yourself and start a thankful list instead!

It’s Valentine’s Day

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A holiday that is fraught with meaning and loaded with expectations.  Some of us celebrate and some of us dread.  Because I am all about learning and then can’t help but share what I’ve learned, I am using my Telling Tuesday to share about the origins of Valentine’s Day.  Some of you are up on your history but please bear with me, I have a call to action for all of us at the end.

 

Who was St. Valentine? There really was a person, a priest in Rome (around 250 A.D.) who is said to have defied Emperor Claudius by secretly marrying young couples in spite of the emperor’s mandate making marriage illegal for young men before they served as soldiers.  Valentine knew that was a bad idea. (On a side note, priests were not required to be celibate at this point in history.)  According to what is written about him, Valentine was martyred for his defiance of the emperor.  There is an additional piece of information that connects him to the current practices of the day; while he was imprisoned before his execution, he is said to have written a note to a young woman whom he loved and signed it “from your Valentine”. Isn’t that sweet?  He was an advocate for marriage and a romantic!  You can read more about how we got from that point in history to our present day celebrations here.

 

But what about you and me today?  How can the story of Valentine impact our lives today? We need to delve a little deeper into what Valentine would have believed about LOVE to really understand his actions.  As a priest in the early Church he would have made a confession of faith, and had access to monastic copies of what we call the New Testament translated from the original Greek into Latin.  He would have known what the Apostle Paul said of LOVE in his first letter to the church at Corinth: “Love is patient; Love is kind and is not jealous; Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.”  Frances Chan encouraged his congregation to read those words substituting God for the word Love.  When I first heard that read aloud in that way, those words struck me in a new way.  I recognized that God IS Love.  I can’t live out these words in my own strength by trying harder or doing more.  If you believe God and have accepted His gift of Redeeming Love through His Son Jesus then YOU are filled with Love! So, regardless of whether we are married, dating, or longing, we can be about the work of showing LOVE to the world by the person we are and the things we do.  How will you show LOVE to others today?

 

Grace to Learn

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What is it about learning that takes so long for some and goes so quickly for others? I’ve studied learning theories for years; the variables are endless. In the final analysis, it boils down to one common statement: learning is unique to each individual. Parents know this as they watch their children learn to feed themselves, walk and talk. No one goes through learning in exactly the same way. Wise parents give their children room to try, practice and make mistakes, knowing that the missteps are tools in learning what does work.
Interestingly some of us lose sight of this truth, developing unrealistic expectations of ourselves that we apply to all aspects of our lives. I’ve been spending the past year learning about mindset and it’s affect on our actions. I have also been at work changing mine (mindset) in several areas; one of which is how fast (or slowly) I learn something and what I tell myself in the process.  This actually relates in a big way to why I have been silent in the blogosphere for this past year. Without diving into too much detail, I have spent a great deal of time attempting to learn how to develop my own website using lots of tools and support services available. Notice I said “attempting”. In this process I learned several things: html code is full of details; I have an unrealistic mindset of how quickly I can learn and apply new knowledge; I don’t give myself much grace.
I don’t know if you struggle with an unrealistic mindset/expectation, but I’ll tell you what, it’s a burden! How I think affects how I act. No one “sees” my thoughts but they do see my actions and re-actions. I am hard on myself when I can’t do something quickly and correctly. I have said many unkind things to myself that I WOULD NEVER say to another human being. This internal dialogue leaks out in ways I had not seen until I started to learn about Mindset. Anybody else like that? Where does a negative mindset come from? I have recognized that knowing how I formed a negative, unrealistic mindset is not as valuable as knowing how to change my mindset. I’ve also learned I can’t change my mindset without encouragement and accountability.

Knowing where I am (in this case a negative, unrealistic mindset) and where I want to be (speaking grace to myself when I can’t do something quickly/correctly) has been a big part of my learning along the Way this year.  People close to me know that when I have learned something I think is worth sharing I am ready to burst with excitement to share!  I’ve decided to use my blogging as a venue to share what I’ve been learning, ever hopeful that it will be a benefit to others.  As you see me writing more, I’d love to hear from you.  Or if you are the quiet, vicarious learner just subscribe to my RSS feed.  Either way, I’d appreciate knowing if what I have learned is making a difference for others.

Where Have I Been?

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Where have I been for the past year?  On a journey. Sometimes it was an exterior, physical journey but mostly it has been an interior one. A journey of the heart.  One of deep significance that is beginning to show on my exterior in subtle ways.  God has been about the business of remaking me from the inside out.  I am ready and challenged to take up the proverbial electronic pen and write of my journey…won’t you join me?

Where Have I Been?

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Where have I been for the past year?  On a journey. Sometimes it was an exterior, physical journey but mostly it has been an interior one. A journey of the heart.  One of deep significance that is beginning to show on my exterior in subtle ways.  God has been about the business of remaking me from the inside out.  I am ready and challenged to take up the proverbial electronic pen and write of my journey…won’t you join me?

Images of Love

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With Valentine’s Day around the corner we see red and pink hearts everywhere!

But are those symbols true images of love?

What does love look like anyway?  Red velvet cupcakes?  Red hearts?  The Eiffel Tower?
Vintage linens or glassware?

You might think of a couple walking holding hands; a child looking up lovingly at a grandparent; brand new parents holding their infant tenderly.  All those definitely conjure a comforting image for me, but what if you don’t have another half?  Or your grandparents have passed away?  Or you are a childless couple?  My image suggestions would be painful and not full of love.

What images of love transcend the brokenness of our lives here?

 You may be familiar with this Celtic symbol of the Trinity from ancient times.  It is called the triquetra meaning a shape with three corners.  Various histories claim the symbol so it is not primarily a Christian symbol in origin, but it has been associated with the Trinity since the Celtic revival in the 19th century.

I share all this by way of sharing something I have recently come to appreciate as an image of love.  The unity of God in three Persons, Father, Son and Holy Spirit is pictured in this symbol.  No beginning, no end, flowing One into Another.  You may know that Jesus the Son prayed in John 17
“that they also may be in Us”.  When we are “in Christ” we are “in God”, in the Trinity. 

I am a visual learner.  At the center of this symbol is a space surrounded by the flow of the Three in One.  That’s where we are invited to live.  In the center of God.  Surrounded, protected, empowered, loved.

I want to be right there in the center don’t you?  Not center stage.  Not even!  But in the middle of the Love of God from the foundation of the world!  Forgiven, Redeemed, Accepted, Loved.

That’s an image I can stand on.

How about you?

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