Learning Along The Way

A Handful of Hope for (forced) Homeschooling Parents

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It’s time for a reset of focus for this blog. I’ve been quiet here for a long time in part because I’ve been discerning why I have not been writing about learning. The lightbulb went on for me yesterday; realizing I have knowledge and resources that parents who find themselves homeschooling their children for the first time, and not by choice, might want and need.

The reset now is to focus on learning. All learning, not just spiritual learning. Life in the time of COVID-19 causes many to be together at home with short notice. That has caused stress for many families; how are we going to get through this? We can be grateful for the internet for access to resources. There are so many great sites to find activities to “keep your kids busy”.

I am offering a different angle: learning together with your children.

Here’s the thing: many of you are products of the public school system. I am too. I am also a veteran public school teacher so I know what I’m talking about here. Teachers are amazing at what they do! Limited supplies to share with 20-35 students in elementary classrooms; mandatory curriculum to align with standardized tests that don’t pay attention to the real learning needs of the real students they see in their classrooms; additional required responsibilities beyond teaching and preparing to teach without additional pay; these issues and more exist across this country. And now they are adapting all their lessons to be delivered remotely and overseen by parents who are not used to spending this much time with their own children. YIKES!!!

How can we make the most of these circumstances? Here’s a handful of hope, 5 tips to try:

  1. Plan something to look forward to when the required schoolwork is completed. By completed I mean to your child’s teacher’s standards, not just finished.
  2. Give a 5 minute break for every 25 minutes of focused work. This is called the pomodoro method. It keeps everyone motivated to get tasks done in a timely, non-dawdling manner. For the youngest of the school age children, I suggest adapting it to 20 minutes with a 10 minute break; this aligns with their developmental readiness to focus.
  3. Use at least one of the breaks to do something silly like trying to get a spoon to stick to the end of your nose, or learning how to blow bubbles with bubble gum or something fun or silly you remember from your own childhood and want to pass on to your littles.
  4. Get outside as often as possible. Look outside if the weather doesn’t permit going outside. There is brain science behind this need.
  5. Plan your days into Five Ds: discipleship studies; discipline studies; discretionary studies; down time; and dinner time. I adapted the work of Sally Clarkson author of Educating the Wholehearted Child which was a seminal construct for me when I found myself homeschooling our then eight year old way back in 1997. Ancient history I know. Somethings don’t change; they are adapted.

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These are unprecedented times; I realize you have grown to expect certain types of posts here and I value and appreciate your support. I want to assure you I will be writing about faith as well as other things as I continue learning along the Way. Consider riding this out with me.

What’s Keeping Your Head Down, Girlfriend?

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Saturday I created a writer’s retreat for myself.

The Hubster was in Chicago visiting our son, so instead of being Eeyore and saying ‘Woe is me I am all alone” I planned to use the day for writing and reading.

I went to the store ahead of time, got some healthy and not so healthy snacks, veggies for soup, and came home for the weekend.

Intentional alone time to be quiet, to listen, and to capture the thoughts that percolated to the top.

I have to say it was a successful day!

But like so many things I do, I was focused with my head down, and I almost missed this:

I was stunned that I had been so consumed with what I was doing, my head down, focused on what I thought was most important at the time, that this almost escaped my view.

So I watched. He got my attention.

It was a glorious sunset. God painted the sky and I watched the colors shift with the changing light.

My perspective remained the same; He shifted the world as if to remind me that what I can see is not all there is.

I wonder, what else might I be missing when my head is down, focused on what I deem important in the moment? When daily routines require attention, do I miss the wave of a neighbor while I sweep? Or the flutter of a butterfly around the flowers?

There have been times when I’ve been “too busy” to reach out to a friend when the Spirit prompts me, only later to learn she was grieving and feeling alone at the time when I didn’t lift my head from my work.

This begs the question: Whose time is it anyway? My time? My way? My work?

I sigh, realizing I missed an opportunity to be God’s gift of encouragement to another.

I share this to help us both remember our time isn’t really ours; time is gift God gives us to steward for His glory and others’ good.

Teach us to number our days that we might present to You a heart of wisdom. 

Daily we have opportunities to be about the Father’s business. There is a lot of need for good to be done. But the question is, are we doing instead of being? Are we so focused on the work that we forget the relational components?

I know there are seasons when quiet moments to simply be still are few and far between. I know it can feel like the noise from all the needs is making you feel under so much pressure that your ears might bleed. I’ve been in that place. But God. My two favorite words in scripture. But God invites us to be still and know that He is God. We are not.

If we listen to the invitation, take the risk and press pause, tune our ears to His voice of love, acceptance, Presence, we just might be renewed. We just might be filled up to be poured out for the good of others. We can’t keep pouring out without being filled up again.

What’s keeping your head down, girlfriend?

Does lifting your head sound impossible? Do you see only obstacles instead of opportunities? Do you need options?

I’m a trained listener, a person who journeys with others who need and want a guide as they learn along the Way.

Curious to know more? I’d love to hear from you.

 

Being Brave in the Little Things

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It’s Monday evening and this is what I’m up to:

(shout out to iBloom planner)

I struggle with structure. Don’t get me wrong, I like a certain amount of structure. It creates the frame around my days. But sometimes I feel too constrained by structure so I reject it; I act as if I don’t have limits of time or energy or focus and just do what I feel like doing. I go back and forth from detailed planning to simply having appointments on the calendar. I like to tell people I am a recovering Type A personality.

Anybody else?

  I lived rigidly structured for quite a few years of my life. I took it upon myself to be the organizer within our family; somebody had to bring order out of chaos! But I learned along the Way that rigidity isn’t actually a  life style that leaves room for God’s plans. I began to be challenged in my rigidity when I read the book Life Management for Busy Women by Elizabeth George. 

I read the book the year it was published, 2002. Both our sons were school age: Matt was 14 and a freshman in high school and Mark was 7 and in second grade. I was a full time SAHM, not homeschooling either of them at that point, and so, in an effort to establish my worth, (I didn’t believe I had inherent worth at that time; more on that brave change later) I created an action plan for my life that was scheduled down to the minute; filled with good things like teaching Bible study, volunteering at both schools, helping with AWANA at church, making meals for new moms & for end of life needs, leading children’s worship on Sunday mornings, early morning walks for exercise and prayer with a different friend each morning of the week. In those days I was getting 6 – 7 hours of sleep in order to fit it all in. If anything unusual happened, like an invitation for a spontaneous coffee with a friend or anything else out of the ordinary (which of course wasn’t on the schedule), I might be known to have a meltdown. Can you say hair trigger emotion? My poor family! I have no idea how they still speak to me! 

The book had lots of practical ideas to help people create structure in their lives; which I didn’t need help with. There was one mind blowing take away that has stuck with me: the principle of “leaving room for God”. Her point was, if we are so committed to our plans, our schedules, we often say ‘no’ or ‘I don’t have time’ when an out of the ordinary opportunity comes. 

Sometimes it’s in the unplanned, off the schedule opportunities where God wants us to be His hands and feet in the world. If our lives are too full, too scheduled, we don’t have time for God’s Plan B for our day. Click To Tweet

It took several big, brave steps in my life before I made the shift from my rigid, over scheduled plan to leaving room in my days for God’s plan. I have learned that being brave in the little things, like not over scheduling my day, saying no to too many commitments, and leaving time margin between one thing and the next has given me courage to say Yes to God’s plan for my day. 

How do you handle the need for structure? Is the whole idea overwhelming? Or do you have so much structure you don’t have time for spontaneous, out of the ordinary events? Let’s share how we are brave in the little things like bringing order out of chaos. We need to hear how others are brave because it encourages us to be brave, too.

Do You Know What You Know?

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Monday.

Somehow this poor day of the week has gotten a bad rep. Can we pin the bad rep on the  ’86 Bangles hit Manic Monday?

Photo by Rob Bye on Unsplash

I don’t think so. A quick search turns up decades more negative associations with Mondays; the beginning of the work week seems to be the culprit.

What if we shift our mindset from ‘bummer in the summer’ on Mondays to a more upbeat, positive spin?

What if over the next month we daily decide to think differently about something rather than let our brain shift to neutral and simply play the default response pattern?

I love learning. I’m wired like that. I know not everyone is and I don’t want to lose you here but if you can bear with me for just a moment, I have a good point to make and science and faith practices to back it up.

It’s said that our minds are the center of our functions as human beings. So if we change our thought patterns, we change our beliefs, which in turn shapes our actions. Neurobiology is showing that as we have a thought, a neuron fires looking for a connection point to continue moving the thought forward. As we think we develop neuro-pathways. When we think the same thought more than once, that pathway is reinforced. Think it multiple times a day and we develop a deep groove in our brains. This process is how we memorize, how we bond with loved ones, how we learn to drive, how we form opinions and so it goes.

If we don’t like the way we feel about something, we can change our thoughts about that and our feelings will follow. Sounds simple, right?

Because of what we have learned about how the brain works, shifting a mindset is a long process of repetition that must be done with awareness and intention.

In other words, one decision does not change one behavior.

Bummer. I’m always on the look out for easy, aren’t you?

Back to Mondays. I used to think Mondays were the worst. I dreaded the beginning of the week because it was work. And work meant hard, repetitive, boring drudgery. No wonder I didn’t like Mondays! Is this you?

Do you know what you know? Are you intentional in your thoughts, plans and actions? Click To Tweet

I began shifting my mindset about Mondays before I had learned anything about the science of change. I made some conscious choices to prepare for Monday on Friday before I left work. I created a habit of closing out the work week by preparing to come back Monday morning with as many tasks ready to begin as possible, minimizing the jolt of hitting the ground running on Monday morning.

Some people might label that perfectionist. As a Enneagram 7, the Enthusiast, my stretch line goes to 1 which is called the Perfectionist or Reformer. I had to learn to be consistent and disciplined like that; it’s not a dysfunction unless you HAVE TO HAVE things just so. Side note: do you know your Enneagram core type? I coach using the lens of the Enneagram so if you want to know more, let me know!

Here is my Monday yellow notepad motivation for us all:

Deciding isn’t the hard part.

Follow through is the challenge for me. What about you?

Embracing Rest

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I like slow mornings. I have learned that though after years of setting my alarm to get up in the dark before my family so that I could

Be still and know…

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Now that I don’t have to get up early to get ahead of the morning rush, I can sit in stillness & quiet and be filled.

The need for filling is the same though. My soul needs to know and experience the Presence of God as much now as then. The filling has different uses in this season.

As a mom of littles I was desperate for a sense of peace in the middle of tears, diapering, sibling squabbles, meals that were objected to, misplaced special friends at bedtime. I was exhausted from all the giving of myself. What I thought I needed was more sleep, which of course was interrupted almost nightly by someone.

I shared my frustrations and exhaustion with a group of moms at the park one day. One seasoned mom who had been invited by another quietly asked if she might share an idea that might help.  Since I was desperate I quickly said yes please.

She said “Imagine you are a cup and each one of your family is a straw in your cup. Picture adding a straw for every responsibility outside your family: work outside your home, volunteering in the community, at church, extended family, etc.  Not all the straws need to draw from your cup daily but some do. And when all the straws need to draw from you at once what will happen?”  It was easy to imagine the cup being drained dry. I felt it. A lot.

You have to be filled up before you can be helpful to others.

But how?

The answer looks differently for each of us and will look different in various, changing seasons.  The first and foremost way though is to start with agreeing that you have a need for rest.

Embracing Rest instead of believing you can be all things to all people in your own strength is the key to finding the best ways of filling your soul.

For many years the most I could do was a variety of little things throughout the days. I love to listen to music of all kinds but it took a comment from my mother to point out that I wasn’t sharing my love for music with my littles. She asked “Why don’t you have music on all day anymore? Your kids would probably love it!” Her question gave me an idea. I started playing music that was upbeat when we needed to get ready to head out for the day and when we did our chores. When it was a quieter time of day I played music of classical composers that I enjoy. Little by little the music had a comforting affect on all of us.

When my littles were transitioning out of naps I still needed a break so we instituted rest time which everyone needs. I put a digital clock in the bedroom and on a 3 x 5 card wrote the numbers of the time that rest would be over. When the numbers matched, they could get up. Calling it nap time to a 3 year old was disastrous. Calling it rest time and giving him the power to know when it was over was money. And ironically he usually fell asleep amid the books on his bed! And of course I got the much needed quiet as well!

I had to learn how to get my cup filled up at the beginning of the day too. For years I had set an alarm to get up early enough to avoid rushing around in the morning to get out the door for work. I hate having to rush. But I had stopped doing that when I began the role of stay at home mom thinking I had all the time in the world and could make my own schedule. Ha! It took me too long to recognize needing more sleep wasn’t the only way to rest.

When I began to set my alarm to get up before my family it was a huge shock to my system. So I adjusted slowly by getting up just a few minutes before their waking pattern so I could get a cup of coffee and read a short devotional.

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These are the three that have filled me up over the years. Such great inspiration and Word focused encouragement for the day is found in each of these. I didn’t read all three of them each day… I’ve just lived a lot of years!

Those few moments each morning were just enough to remember that I wasn’t on my own in this job of being Momma. Learning to go to the Source of wisdom & strength daily was filling enough. God multiplied my feeble coming on those sleepy mornings. He changed my priorities from selfish to self care. If He did that for me I am confident He will do that for you…if you ask.

And I am a different woman; embracing rest He offers moment by moment has been key to living in tandem with Him.

A Good Road to Ride

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Since I have been thinking a lot about what the idea Living in Tandem looks like for this series, it seems I see correlations all over the place!  Some are more obvious than others, but this correlation might be a stretch for you: your calendar has an impact on Living in Tandem.

As a coach I like to know more about people than what they do for a living. It’s helpful to know how someone spends their time; if they hear themselves frequently saying “can’t, I’m busy”, what’s filling their calendar? A person’s calendar says a lot about their priorities.

The predominant American culture is driven. Calendars are full; over full to the point of producing stress. Parents are recruiting help to shuttle littles to their own over-filled activity list since we still haven’t figured teleportation out yet. (Star Trek, anyone?) This calendar thing is not just a Gen-X or Millenial issue.  It didn’t occur because of the tech revolution. The problem with our over-full lives began post- WWII in the “rebuilding” of the American dream. Baby Boomers were the first generation to experience what it means to be a ‘latch key kid’. And because it’s not a recent development, the problem is entrenched in society.  So what are we supposed to do?

We have to say No more.

I’ve fought this fight on several fronts so I know how hard it is to say No and mean it. Here are the reasons our calendars tend to fill to the brin:

1) We see others ‘doing a lot’ so we think it’s expected of us too.

2) We are afraid of missing out on something for ourselves or our children’s lives (search #FOMO) It’s a thing.

3) We are afraid of having to face our inner selves if we have too much time on our hands.

4) We’ve got a lot riding on us (other’s expectations) so we perform

I lived under the tyranny of these 4 calendar dictators for more than half my life. When the Hubster and I first married he began asking for something I didn’t know how to provide: whitespace on the calendar.  I had no idea how to let go of the things that filled our weekends and evenings.  A lot of anxiety welled up in me imagining how I would be letting people down or not doing my share or… And what in the world would we do with an empty calendar one Saturday a month?!!

In 1995, a book was published that we later were introduced to. Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives. Now there’s a title! Reading the book was one step. Putting action to what we read took more effort.  I began to recognize how the struggles with an over-filled calendar were negatively impacting our marriage and sons. Lack of margin was wearing us all down and that wasn’t going to end well.

I wrestled with my issues found in the 4 reasons above.  I’ve had many to wrestle!  But in my wrestling I wanted to know God’s thoughts on these issues.  I found comfort in this passage:

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When I first felt Micah 6:8 resonate in my soul we were singing it in church.  The simplicity and love I found there was so gentle.  There wasn’t a load dumped on my shoulders.  I began to realize ever so slowly that God’s desires for me were for my good not for my performance and over commitment.

Learning to say No was hard but it was good.  Just like change.  I had to let go of over commitment to say yes to my husband’s need for more whitespace.  Living in Tandem is like that. It’s a Good Road to Ride. Giving and receiving.

You might be facing a season of over commitment.  Or you may find your life is characterized by over commitment as mine was.  You CAN make a little change to take that first step that can lead to another and another until the over committed calendar is tamed.  It takes time, but you can do it!

30 Days of Giving #6: Time

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Gloucester Cathedral doorTime.

Have you ever thought of the myriad uses of this word?

Time out. (sports fans know this and parents use it for discipline)

Time is money.

Time to go.

Time crunch.

Not enough time.

Out of time.

Time sensitive material.

Time keeps on ticking.

There is pressure in the passing of time if you’re a to do list person, or a person dealing with challenging health issues, or a bride feeling the weight of the upcoming nuptials.

We are told to maximize time. Don’t waste time. Time is valuable. Time is a non-renewable resource.

With all these statements we could begin to feel the temptation to fill our time budget to the limit of the seconds of every day.  Many people do.  I know I did for years.

So when you come face to face with commands and invitations from God in the form of Be still; come away to a quiet place and rest, you might respond with I’ll rest when I die.

You might die because of no rest.

Time is a resource given to all of us in the same amount daily.  24 hours. And like money, you have the opportunity to budget the use of time.  Many of us use our time the same way, eat, work,  sleep and get up and do it all over again.  But what if you started to think about time as a gift that you can share rather than a list that must be checked?

What if you shared your time with others who would be refreshed by your presence or encouraged by you giving them time?

Children. Youth. Elderly. Developmentally disabled. Community groups. Church. The list goes on.

What if we began to see the time we have here as a way we can offer something back for all that we have been given?

You might want to tune me out or click away from this post.  I get that especially if you’re feeling the pinch of “not enough time” already.

But wait a second.

Think about how you are already giving time to others.  Sometimes we give because we feel obligated. It’s our job. But is it possible to think about what you already do from the shift of giving a gift rather than fulfilling an obligation?

Your presence at the dinner table, fully focused on those around it. Or your presence with a client. Or the cashier at the store. Your full attention, your attentive presence is a gift of time.

Slowing down, taking inventory, being present are all ways to spend the budget of time we’re given.  When we give an account of how we spent the time given us from birth to death what will be on your list?

What are you already doing that can encourage others? Please give us some ideas!

So Much Life Happens

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Some seasons of life feel like they drag on.  Remember how long summer vacation was when you were a kid?  It’s still the same length of time between school ending and starting again but as an adult it flies by now.

Perhaps you’re looking forward to a big event like your wedding.  The waiting can seem endless.

As a Mom living in the diaper stage, potty training can’t come soon enough!  Or some of you are anxiously awaiting your kids start of school so you can have time to yourself again.

Just know that it all flies by and then…memories.

SO much Life happens in relatively short periods of time that you can forget to slow down and reflect.  Appreciate.  Rejoice.

I am so thankful for photographs that capture moments and stimulate memories.  I slowed down this morning to look back at the happenings in the lives of our family in this past year.

College graduation.

2 1/2 months later, a wedding.

Senior Portrait for the final year of high school.

Blink!

The Senior year has come to an end and his Tennis coach is thanking him for a great 3 years as his team manager.

Where did that time go?

Then that celebration day came.too.quickly.

And then off on the adventure of this 18 year life time…Europe for 3 1/2 weeks.

Envy is a sin.  I need forgiveness.

What I need daily is what you need.  Time to reflect. To take stock. To say Thank You.I come here twice a week for just those things. Solitude. Listening. Reflection.

The result for me is Peace.

I am grateful for the life that happened this past year.  Joy and sadness blended together. Real life. Fast and fleeting.

I am grateful for photos that remind me. Friends that walked with me. Family that supports me.

And most of all my Lord Who loves me perfectly.

Of Water & Wheels: Reflections on Solitude

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Saturday is a day of looking back, reflecting on the week just ended.  It also is a day to look ahead to the coming week; to take stock of what was and what will be.

In the middle of both I find myself looking at what is.  I am like water.

In what way?  Left to my own devices, I seek my lowest level.  Like water.  It always will run downhill.

I mentioned this week that I am easily distracted.  Actually I distract myself.  Pondering and practicing the discipline of Solitude this week I have seen my habits in a new light, rather like a flood light into a dark room.  Revealing what was formerly tolerable in a dim light to be frayed and worn under bright light.  My habits of starting and not finishing, of having too many things vying for top priority, of saying Yes too many times and having little or “no time” to be alone.

Blegh.

I learned this week that although too much action can be the enemy of Solitude, when practiced at the discipline, one can experience Solitude while busy.  Richard Foster said it this way: “Solitude is more a state of mind and heart than it is a place.  There is a solitude of the heart that can be maintained at all times.”

Look at how two sisters made choices. When presented with a dinner guest, one got busy, the other sat with the guest.  One resented all the work, the other sat peacefully in the guest’s Presence.  Given that much information likely our Western minds would jump to the side of the busy sister who is taking care of the needs of the guest.  Ironically, that’s not where Jesus sided.  He chided the busy sister with these words: “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered by so many things; but Mary has chosen the better part and that will not be taken away from her.”  Mary’s priority was being with Jesus.  Martha’s priority was doing stuff.  Both are necessary.  But Mary has chosen the better part…

Being with Jesus prepares us to be with others.  Solitude in His Presence is refreshing to our souls; like what water is supposed to be to our bodies.

Yet we must take care of life and work.  We must be active.  In reading the Windows of the Soul by Ken Gire I encountered an idea that made perfect sense to me.

Be the still axis.

A wheel can spin wildly fast; going downhill like water, the revolutions are hard to count.  But at the center is the immovable axis which keeps the wheel able to do what it’s intended to do.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh suggests we strive “to be the still axis within the revolving wheel of relationships, obligations and activities.” 

Don’t do away with action; Be the still axis.

Looking at Solitude this week has been a blessing.  I have seen some of my habits for what they are: water going downhill.

I have also seen the possibility of learning to be still at the center even when there are many things to attend to.

I love this summary again by Anne Morrow Lindbergh: “The problem is not entirely in finding the room of one’s own, the time alone, difficult and necessary as that is.  The problem is more how to still the soul in the midst of its activities.”

What have you learned this first week of Lent?

 

What’s the Difference?

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Life can be so, well, daily.

Routines help get tasks completed. Planning gets more tasks accomplished. Schedules make order of the day. (thanks to ebby for his photo)

That sounds fabulous if you are a do-er.

But what if you’re a feel-er?

 

You get up when you wake up. You look in the cupboards and fridge for what looks good to eat. You don’t feel like doing the laundry because it’s sunny and you’d rather be outside.

Do-ers read that and respond with the Nike slogan: Just Do It

Feel-ers sense judgment for not being like Do-ers

Do-ers may experience an emptiness, a drudgery to the daily routine.

Feel-ers may experience overwhelm from all that isn’t yet done and not knowing how to get started.

What’s the Difference?

In these examples both Do-ers and Feel-ers have moved away from the balance point.

But what if…

Do-ers schedule “free time” to enjoy a bit of unstructured play?

Feel-ers commit to one regular 10 minute activity every hour; like starting a load of laundry?

What’s the Difference?

Intention

If we look at the reality of our day, make one intention for change and take action, then life could slowly come to the balance point of work and play.

Jesus invites us to be intentional in relating with Him. Sharing the stress of the schedule or the frustration with not getting something accomplished is part of that relating with Him.

Learning to lean on Jesus throughout our day is what makes all the difference.

It’s a process of learning along the Way.  Are you in process?

 

 

 

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