Learning Along The Way

Why I’m Not Fooling Around Anymore

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Confession is good for the soul. I heard that somewhere.

Here it is: I’m not good at forgiveness. I say that but to clarify I mean forgiveness is not something I can do on my own.   There are people who have done horrible things to me that I have forgiven. I don’t harbor ill will or bitterness toward them. That forgiveness was not easy but it is complete. Thank you, Jesus for working it out in me.

So what am I confessing then? I am terrible at forgiving the little things. I make myself into a martyr who sacrifices so much for so many with so little recognition or thanks.

Ridiculous. 

And you know who suffers most? My husband. The one who has sacrificed so much to make my life, our family’s life, pleasant in so many ways. The one who is Jesus with skin on to me and for me. And my thanks?

Being a nitpicking perfectionist who is never satisfied with anything.

Always more to be done. Always can be done better. My way.

Sheesh.

Well I’m not fooling around anymore.

I’m breaking up with perfectionism.

And unforgiveness.

The result of unforgiveness is a hard heart, a heart that is filled with bitterness, toxic to allowing the life and love of Jesus to flow through me.  My unforgiveness is not more powerful than Christ. But my turning to my own way is like drawing the blackout curtains toward the sunlight. The Light still exists and is more powerful; I’ve chosen to block it with my self-focused ways.

I can’t hold my husband captive with unforgiveness and expect to have a love-filled marriage. Click To Tweet

He is not a puppet with me pulling the strings.

Forgiveness breaks the hard shell of a hard heart like a hammer to a walnut.

And I’ve known for a long time that I am a nutcase.

But to get to the point of recognizing my nutty behavior, I begged God to do some serious surgery in my festering heart.

First confession

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Then repentance

Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

Then Hope

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Then reminder

Forget the former things;

    do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

    and streams in the wasteland.

Tomorrow is our 25th wedding anniversary. And true to our whole lives together, we are doing things differently than others who have achieved this milestone: we’re simply going out to dinner.

It’s like how life was when we were first married. Simple.

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We got married behind a bookstore by a justice of the peace because neither of us were walking in a life of faith. Our sons like to say we were married by a shaman because the JoP was a woman and it was a garden behind a New Age Bookstore. No matter. God is in the business of redemption and second chances. A lot of life has transpired in 25 years. Fun. Laughter. Love. Loss. Wounds. Change. Growth. Repeat.

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Forgiveness. Keeping short accounts with each other and with God. Being quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry.

By God’s grace and the Spirit’s equipping I will not live with an unforgiving heart any longer.

It’s like when we were first married. Only MUCH BETTER!

Learning to Wait

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I’m not sure if anyone has ever asked this question in a poll of popular opinion: “What are your thoughts about having to wait?”, but I’d like to imagine that universally people don’t like it.

We are born learning to wait. Crying for food or clean diapers, as an infant we have to wait. Birthdays, summer vacation, Christmas: frustrate a child who must learn to wait. Babies take 9 months to develop prior to birth. Farmers plant crops and wait for them to spout and grow.

Of course if you live in a heavily populated area you might have this view daily:

traffic in mountain viewLearning to wait is a skill that is imposed in the order of the universe.  Some things are easier to wait for or through; others seem to demand far more skill at the game of waiting.

Young moms can’t wait until a child sleeps through the night; is potty trained; starts Kindergarten so the moms can have time to themselves again.  I heard these words when I was in those early physically demanding years of parenting: “treasure these times. They go by so fast.” I smiled and said thank you while thinking “easy for you to say; you’re not the one getting up at 2:00 AM or changing diapers…”

But now I’m the one saying the same thing to young moms. And since my memory is still mostly intact, I remember what I thought so I imagine they smile at me through similar, barely tolerant, thoughts.

How can we learn to wait well in the season we’re living?

By slowing down. Learning to see. To hear. To appreciate what is.

I mentioned I am reading a great book by Jeff Goins, “The In-Between: Embracing the Tension Between Now and the Next Big Thing.”  I find I am highlighting a lot of quotable statements and phrases of Jeff’s. Good authors are noteworthy. They make you think, reflect and hopefully germinate seeds of growth and change.  One of the many great things is this:

“we were made to wait, to long for things unseen.  This is the place from which dreams and desires come. It’s a place of trust–and we find it not in the resolution, but in the incompletion.”

I ponder and ponder his statement: we were made to wait. I think if we were made to wait it would be easier to do, like breathing. But waiting is a discipline; a learned skill.  Anything we learn we must go through the cycle of learning: practice, make mistakes, adjust, try again, repeat.

Is it possible to be free of the challenge that waiting brings? Do we have to simply muddle through? Is there a source of help to get better at waiting? Yes I think it’s possible.  Have I arrived there yet? No way!

Like so many things in life, waiting well is skill learned through process of trial/practice/error.  The critical piece is what we do with the error.  Grace or guilt? Gain wisdom or grow bitter?

Wait isn’t on the list of spiritual disciplines directly but it’s implied. Learning to wait is part of our spiritual development. Patience is in the list of fruit of the Spirit of God.  Psalm 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God.”

Learning to wait is God’s idea.  What we do in response to His idea can be our personal measure of our own spiritual maturity; not to judge others but to see where we are still growing.

I am learning to wait well. I don’t wait well yet. Process.  How about you?

 

 

30 Days of Giving #12,13,14,15,16 & 17: Grace

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Gloucester Cathedral doorLife is full even for a recently empty-nester.  Deep conversations with friends far away…

long distance convo

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breaking freeParticipation in online Bible study & book groups.

I will not remember your sinsTearfully praying for children and adults in the ravaged Philippines. Feathering the new nest. Finding my boots packed in a bag, in a box, under random stuff!  Learning new ways of cooking for my vegan hubster.
Butternut & Mushroom Bruschetta(this is butternut squash & mushroom bruschetta made with vegan cream cheese and udi’s bagels)

All these things I chose over sitting at the computer and writing about the things that I have been prompted to reflect upon in my personal challenge of 30 Days of Giving.

I could get down on myself because I have not been “diligent” to write daily.
I could, but I won’t.
I am choosing to give my self the greatest gift: Grace.

For too long I have lived in bondage to my worth being tied to productivity.
I choose to show Grace.

For too long I have thought mean, unacceptable thoughts about me: thoughts I would not tolerate if I heard someone speak them to another human being.
I choose to speak Grace.

For too long I have neglected the need for rest when my body calls for it; thinking a nap is a shameful waste of time.
I choose to respond to Grace.

For too long I have lived under the burden of unrealistic expectations for daily accomplishments as if to prove how capable I am (and thus worthy of love)
I choose to receive Grace.

Grace is a gift.  It is given by God freely.  It can’t be bought. (think earned)

Like many gifts, this is given because of Love.  And like many gifts received, it is often neglected or unappreciated or misused.

Grace is meant to be shared: with yourself and with others.

When mistakes are made (and they WILL be made) show kindness.
When things get broken (and they WILL be broken) show gentleness.
When you don’t follow through on something you said you would do (life happens) show patience.
When temptations come to do other things that take you away from commitments you’ve made (to others or to yourself) show self-control.

You might recognize some of these words: kindness, gentleness, patience, self-control.  They are some of the listed characteristics of the evident life of the Holy Spirit in a Christ-follower.
The evident life of the Holy Spirit is a gift of Grace from God to those who name His name.
The greatest gift ever given is eternal life through Christ because of His substitutionary death. What?
Jesus SavesHe took my penalty.  Your penalty.  On Himself. He lived a perfect human life never falling short of the glory of God.  How?

He is God Incarnate.  In a human body. Jesus lived a life you and I can never live on our own.
He died the death we deserve because the distance from human to holy can’t be spanned by human beings.
And then?
He rose from the dead breaking forever the bonds that hold us in the terror of eternal separation from a holy God. Jesus made the Way for us to be brought across the distance between human and holy.  He offers us this gift of undeserved, unearned favor, eternal life with Him, by Him.
And now?
If you know this Truth, and you believe this Truth, then you get to live this Truth on a daily basis because of Grace.
This is Good News! This is a gift to be shared; Grace to be lived and shown to the world through your life.
If you are not, if I am not, showing Grace to ourselves then our words are empty.
If we do not show Grace to others our words are hollow.
Grace is given. Grace is received. Grace is a gift opened up, applied and shared.

I choose Grace.
And you?

Practical Relationship Tools

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I have been privileged to visit in the home of a young family who loves and serves the Lord in an area where He is not known as He is. This lovely plaque hangs in a prominent place, telling in words what their lives show practically.

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Second Chances. We serve a God Who is all about forgiveness, repentance and second chances. How wonderful to demonstrate these truths in our relationships.

What would your home be like if you lived by this list?

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What would our friendships be like?

Our work relationships? Neighborhoods? Churches?

We can’t live like this in our own strength. We want our way. If we’re wronged we want justice. We want someone to step toward us first.

Who do you need to offer a second chance to? Who do you need to ask for a second chance from? What can you do today?

Grace to Learn

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What is it about learning that takes so long for some and goes so quickly for others? I’ve studied learning theories for years; the variables are endless. In the final analysis, it boils down to one common statement: learning is unique to each individual. Parents know this as they watch their children learn to feed themselves, walk and talk. No one goes through learning in exactly the same way. Wise parents give their children room to try, practice and make mistakes, knowing that the missteps are tools in learning what does work.
Interestingly some of us lose sight of this truth, developing unrealistic expectations of ourselves that we apply to all aspects of our lives. I’ve been spending the past year learning about mindset and it’s affect on our actions. I have also been at work changing mine (mindset) in several areas; one of which is how fast (or slowly) I learn something and what I tell myself in the process.  This actually relates in a big way to why I have been silent in the blogosphere for this past year. Without diving into too much detail, I have spent a great deal of time attempting to learn how to develop my own website using lots of tools and support services available. Notice I said “attempting”. In this process I learned several things: html code is full of details; I have an unrealistic mindset of how quickly I can learn and apply new knowledge; I don’t give myself much grace.
I don’t know if you struggle with an unrealistic mindset/expectation, but I’ll tell you what, it’s a burden! How I think affects how I act. No one “sees” my thoughts but they do see my actions and re-actions. I am hard on myself when I can’t do something quickly and correctly. I have said many unkind things to myself that I WOULD NEVER say to another human being. This internal dialogue leaks out in ways I had not seen until I started to learn about Mindset. Anybody else like that? Where does a negative mindset come from? I have recognized that knowing how I formed a negative, unrealistic mindset is not as valuable as knowing how to change my mindset. I’ve also learned I can’t change my mindset without encouragement and accountability.

Knowing where I am (in this case a negative, unrealistic mindset) and where I want to be (speaking grace to myself when I can’t do something quickly/correctly) has been a big part of my learning along the Way this year.  People close to me know that when I have learned something I think is worth sharing I am ready to burst with excitement to share!  I’ve decided to use my blogging as a venue to share what I’ve been learning, ever hopeful that it will be a benefit to others.  As you see me writing more, I’d love to hear from you.  Or if you are the quiet, vicarious learner just subscribe to my RSS feed.  Either way, I’d appreciate knowing if what I have learned is making a difference for others.

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