Learning Along The Way

Being Selfish Doesn’t Work

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There have been dark times for me in the past 9 years. Loss and the accompanying grief were not easy companions. Their presence was disorienting.

As a result, I’ve been stuck in the slough of despond.

 

Being stuck is a place that a coach can speak into a client’s life. Listening to the favorites, the desires and perhaps forgotten dreams all make for excellent material to construct action steps; steps forward away from being stuck.

Now in the messy middle of sorting through what is important to carry forward and what is not, I’ve learned some things about myself that shine light on the dark places.

SO what I am learning along the Way is that being selfish doesn’t work.

I’ve selfishly hidden in pain; hidden from others who would be generous with encouragement if they only knew. That’s the dark side of me.

On the Light side I’ve been wired for change. I’m a learner and activator with a large dose of restorative, with empathy and relator thrown in. I’m an ENFJ and my DISC profile is I/D. My Enneagram result is 3 =The Achiever or The Performer. I’m an inventory junky!

What difference does all of this information make in day to day life?

All these details helped me get to know how God has wired me. I’ve spent the past 9 years wrestling with the brokenness or downsides of life, looking to Him to heal the places where I’ve worked to cover the internal wounds. He has done His work. I am more fully who He has made me to be.

So now I’m writing and reading my way forward. So many great books! I’m currently looking at a classical work, John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress; a work of allegory written at a time of imprisonment for Bunyan and a much used tool of explication of the Bible.

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It’s valuable to see our story within the Greater Story. Click To Tweet

Why? Because we each have a part to play. An important part to play. When we step into the yoke with Jesus and He bears the weight, we step forward and lean in to keep in step with Him. Our part is to follow along the furrows He chooses for us to plow; the relationships He brings our way, the lives He desires us to impact for Kingdom building, simply by being who we are: God’s man or woman in the circumstances where we currently find ourselves.

Being present to our life circumstances and not looking to the sides of the furrows or off at the green grass not quite in our reach is part of our great work. It is a simple life. We’re the ones who over complicate things.

God has given us Himself, His Spirit and power to live out this life which He has provided. He loves us with a never ending love, He forgives us time and again as we gaze longingly at other things instead of fixing our gaze upon the Only One Who loves us perfectly.

Important Reminders.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble,whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

He sings over us.

He is our shield and defender.

He is our provider and protector. 

I speak Truth to myself to bring my gaze back to Center; back to the One Who loves me best.

Loss was my experience. I recognize each of us experience hard companions differently. When I bear witness to another’s loss now, I am quick to empathize where before I knew none.

What about you? How have you gotten back on track after being disoriented? You might speak light into someone’s dark place by sharing what God has brought you through.

Being selfish doesn’t work.

I’d love to hear what you’ve learned!

Can We Learn Hope?

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The end of the year is coming up quickly, more quickly than the amount of time left to accomplish all the big ideas and projects I had in January.  How about you? Do you look back over this year with a confidence in how you have stewarded time?

I do and I don’t. In many areas I have shown up for myself and done what I set about to do. But in all areas? No. I have not written as many words as I had committed to.

What has kept me from writing? Me. Plain and simple. I have dodged the discipline of writing for nearly 6 years since I first felt that perhaps God wanted me to write a book about grief.  Grief isn’t a light and fluffy topic; not one that would draw you in unless…

Unless you or someone you know has experienced loss.

Wait. We ALL experience loss of one kind or another. We all grieve because so much in life comes up against the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics—everything toward entropy.   Everything changes in this world. And not always for the better. And sometimes with change, we face loss. Who wants to lose something?

Change can be hard but it can also be good.  If you’re anything like me (and you are because you’re human) then change is great when you’re in control of it. But if change is foisted upon you without your permission? Well that’s another thing entirely. Depending on the severity of the loss/change we can develop patterns of behavior in response to future loss/change. Sometimes those patterns hinder relationships—with family, with friends, with ourselves and with God.

I’m going to use the terms loss and change nearly interchangeably because in my life experiences even good changes have come with a loss; a letting go of one kind or another.  With loss there is grief—even if we don’t acknowledge it. And really, that’s the purpose of my writing most of the time—to help us develop skills and embrace tools for dealing with loss/change of any magnitude so that we can come out healthy and whole on the other side.

Change comes in lots of flavors: annual — like birthdays & holidays; seasonal– like weather & vacations; vocational– like student to employee, or job to no job. You might look at these kinds of changes as simply ‘something to deal with’ and you’re right. But hang with me for a bit; HOW we deal with change is what this life is all about. Learning to have hope in the middle of change is a choice.

We all have choices when we face change. Not all our choices benefit us.  I will go so far as to say that many of the debilitating diseases, addictions and even suicides stem from a series of choices in how we deal with change/ loss.  And those choices lead away from hope.  I believe if we have awareness of how change affects us and tools to face change/loss then we can develop healthy habits to grow through change/loss. Then we can face change with hope.

I have picked up a lot of sea glass over the years I’ve beach walked. I distinctly remember looking at the first piece I found while walking the beach on Catalina Island in 1977 and thinking “I wonder what this used to be?”

My mind started to wander over all the possibilities: a bottle? A window? A vase? Then I started to wonder how long it had been tumbling and over how many miles it had traveled.  Most metaphors break down at some point in relating them to life but sea glass has been a metaphor that God has used to help me understand the benefit of brokenness in my life and I dare to say in the lives of others. Holding a broken piece of glass that has been tumbled and resurfaced through the tumbling makes me think of how God has worked in me through times of hard change.

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I’m reminded of Paul’s letter to the church in Rome:

By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

3-5 There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

The words above are from the Message.  In the Bible translation I read there is one word for the phrase “alert for whatever God will do next”.  That word is Hope.  I love this!  When we are met with change/loss if we remember to “be alert to whatever God will do next” we are demonstrating Hope.  In my translation it says: “and hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

We can learn to have hope when change and loss come our way.  It is possible, because all things are possible to him who believes!

Need help with Hope? I’m linking up today with Faith Barista who is encouraging her Kindreds to share on Hope during this week of Advent.  Click the link below and check out what others have shared about Hope.

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Learning to Hear

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Telling a story once may bring laughter, tears or insight. Who doesn’t love a good story? One that engages your head and your heart; causes you to think about life differently; appreciate what you have even more. Telling a story, the same story in the same way many times, can become part of your story.

Pieces of my story have been collected on these pages for almost 5 years now.  I don’t tell my story just to be heard. I tell my story to process its elements and try to make sense in Light of a Greater Story.  My desire is that through my story I am pointing to the One True Story and helping you see and hear how you can connect your story with the greatest story ever told.

For a few years I have been practicing listening skills.  My ears work fine. But listening is a different thing altogether.

Listening requires focus. (internal as well as external) Freedom from distraction. Patience. Silence. Humility. (letting others talk instead of me) Listening to the heart requires wisdom as well.

After my Dad died I spent a lot of time alone allowing deep grief to be my daily silent companion. It was a form of depression for sure but not the black cloud that swallows many for various reasons. This was the result of the shock; the sudden tragic loss. And I knew I needed to be in the grief and not push it away, pretending everything was ok. It wasn’t. I was learning to recognize wisdom when I heard it.

I sat in the garden one day in May for I don’t know how long. I watched the flowers sway in the spring breeze. I heard birds chirping and cars driving by. But I sat unmoving, deep in self-pity; the kind that leads to despair.

Suddenly to my right a hummingbird started working the lipstick salvia plant that I had purchased on a trip to the nursery; a trip that was meant as a distraction for me. While there I saw a hummingbird approach a small 4 inch potted plant that had 2 flowers on it. I stood mesmerized remembering how much my Dad loved to feed hummingbirds in his backyard.  I bought the plant and put it in the ground in our front yard. That plant was attracting another hummingbird and I just watched in awed silence. Tears welled up and spilled over as I thought of my Dad. I said out loud to God, “don’t you even care how hard this is for me? Do you even see how much I am hurting?”

I turned away from watching the hummingbird and looked at my hands in my lap. I had clenched both hands into fists. Staring at my anger in view of my hands I heard a faint whirring noise.  I looked up and there, right in front of me not 2 feet away, a hummingbird hovered, staring at me.

At the risk of something precious being ridiculed, I will share: I knew at that moment God heard me in my grief.

He has gone to greater lengths than causing a hummingbird to pause in its flight to demonstrate His love for me. But do I listen?

He told us “Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”  He showed us “Greater love has no one than this; that he lay down his life for his friends.” He promised us a Helper “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.”

He also said “he who has ears to hear, let him hear.” Six times this is recorded in the gospels and always in the context of Jesus teaching something.  The word we see translated ‘to hear’ has meaning beyond the ears functioning.  English simply leaves out so much intent and is much too general. The Greek word used here ‘akouo’ means ‘I hear, I comprehend through hearing’.

Do we comprehend what manner of love and provision God has for us?  Are we gleaning wisdom from His Word? Are we in the process of learning to hear?

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Dr. King & Tuning Forks

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Midway through the school year, the year of fifth grade, I came running in the house from playing outside after school to find my mother seated at the table, television on and tears streaming down her face.

She couldn’t speak, just pointed to the TV when I asked what was wrong.  There I saw the news: Martin Luther King Jr was shot on the balcony of his hotel.  This was a horrible tragedy.  My mother, the English teacher in a multi-racial school, was very clear with us that all people are created equal.  She valued and espoused the ideals Dr. King spoke. His famous “I have a Dream speech”, spoken on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in August 1963, was a speech my mom referenced in her English classes alongside President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.

MLK Jr.’s death was a tuning fork in our family.  Why a tuning fork? A tuning fork uses resonance to find the common tone in a piano, a guitar, as well as the human voice; thus allowing pitches to be matched to the common resonant frequency.  How was his death a tuning fork?

The resonant frequency was loss; my mother’s only brother was killed in Vietnam in Dec 1967;  only 4 months earlier.  The sudden loss of my uncle tore my family apart; grandparents, aunt, cousins, mom, all losing a very significant person in a tragic way.  Now the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr resonated in our family at a far deeper level than just a piece on the nightly news.

I remember standing there staring at the TV, and then in a childlike innocence, going to my mom and patting her on the back, again and again.

How do we offer comfort at a time of deep loss?  Jesus modeled this well: He wept.  He didn’t say ‘don’t worry everything’s going to be okay’; He didn’t say ‘why are you crying?’  ‘Don’t you have faith?’  No.  He wept with His friends who were suffering the loss of their loved brother Lazarus.

We can do well to follow that precious, simple model.  Be with those who are suffering.  Weep with them.  Sit silently with them.  Hug them.

Then in their rebuilding process, listen to them speak their memories.  Laugh when they laugh.  Help them honor the memories.  Do something alongside them to commemorate their loved one’s life in some way.

This national holiday was established to honor the memory of Dr Martin Luther King Jr but also to commemorate his life through service.  Serve your family, your neighbors, your community.  Just don’t focus on yourself.  His life was spent in the betterment of others.  We would do well to follow suit.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

 

 

The Band-Wagon of Thankfulness

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I don’t like to be thought of as a band-wagoner.  (one who jumps on the band wagon)

But it is the season of thankfulness and many bloggers are encouraging their readers to be thankful.  I want to do the same.  Yet it is a hard season for many.  Even me.

I was thumbing through our local magazine, SLO Journal, and came across the article by Claire Aagaard titled “Living with Grief and Loss During the Holidays”.

This is for me.  Still.  Five years later.

The article is 12 simple tips long.  You can read her full article here.  She gives credit to a book she read by James Miller titled How Will I Get Through the Holidays? (which also sounds good)

These tips are lessons I have been learning in the crucible of life while at the same time experiencing some of the greatest joys that this life has to offer.  How are these two opposites: joy & sorrow, able to coexist and not cancel one another out?

Perspective.

Well, is it half empty or half full?

Tip #9 ‘Search out and Count your Blessings’ from Aagaard’s article reminds me to mention the life transforming book that came to me two years ago: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

If you haven’t read One Thousand Gifts, you need to.  She poetically tells her journey out of the pit of depression and grief through accepting the challenge of a friend: Count your blessings.  Ann’s story is compelling.  Many agree.  Her website has great resources to encourage your counting. Check it out here.

Focusing on thankfulness is not denial of how hard, difficult, painful, depressing your circumstances really are.  It is simply adjusting the lens of your perspective to have a clear view on all that is also true. Even when you are grieving.

Start counting your reasons to be thankful.  I am.

 

Loss

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I just learned of the passing of a young man from eternity present to eternity future. He had turned 21 a month ago.

The details of his death are not as important as the loss of his life here. I cannot fully comprehend the depth of grief a mother feels at the death of a child; that path has not been mine to walk as yet. I have learned several truths about grief that I’ve experienced:

“We do not grieve as those without hope…” (1 Thess. 4:13)

Those who know Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord will be with Him in Paradise

“For to be absent from the body is to be at home with the Lord” (2 Cor. 5:8)

So we are with Him face to face!

God will not waste our grief no matter how deep and how long we grieve.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

And that the mystery of this following passage will make sense in a way that it may not yet have:

“Consider it all joy my brethren when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” (James 1:2-3)

I am still learning the depth of the truths the Apostle Paul conveyed in his letter to the Philippians (for us it’s referred to as Phil. 3:8-14)

But for now, I have tears. Momma tears, imagining never getting a hug and kiss from this son again. Imagining the empty chair at the holidays. Grieving as only One can fully comprehend.

“Jesus wept.” Shortest verse with greatest depth.

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