Learning Along The Way

Why Should Living in Tandem Matter to You?

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It’s Day 30 of the #write31days challenge. I’ve tried to express the benefits I’ve experienced from learning to live in tandem in relationship with God, my husband and others. I imagine there’s at least one of you who has looked at the theme and thought Why does this matter to me?  I don’t ride a tandem bicycle. I don’t even have a husband.

Why should Living in Tandem matter to you?

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I now realize the most powerful action we can take after responding to God’s invitation to become part of His family, is learning to take the back seat in relation to God. The Biblical term is submission.

God the Father had an amazing plan to redeem the whole world. That plan would only work if the Son would actively participate. Being fully God, Jesus the Son took on the humble form of a human baby. He who had been worshiped by angels became a helpless infant born into the poorest circumstances; a feed trough for animals. Part of this amazing plan, Jesus the Son showed us the Father. Through His life and choices He also showed us how to submit His will to God’s will.  In the ultimate act of submission, Jesus expressed His opinion, His desire several times. But God the Son said not My will but Yours be done as the Son submitted His will to the Father’s will.

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Submission isn’t easy. Jesus showed us that. It requires a sacrifice. We give up our right to our own way to choose to follow Jesus on the Way. Submission brings about a depth in relationship with God the Father that demonstrates respect, love, trust and obedience to His plan for your life.

And in God’s amazing economy He blesses your sacrifices with His Presence, His peace, His love, His power to accomplish the hard things you face.

Like forgiving those who have wounded you.

The way up is the way down. A paradox of submission.

Living in Tandem matters for each one of us. It is simply a metaphor for what God’s Word teaches us.

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Living in Tandem teaches us that the hurried life, the too full calendar, the distracting ourselves to death, do not fill the need, the emptiness that is in the center of our lives. Only God can fill our need. And He doesn’t force Himself in; we need to make the choice to take the back seat and learn from Him.

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Living in Tandem means learning to listen to the One who is in the front seat; the One who knows where you’re headed, knows how to navigate the bumps and hills, knows when to push harder and when to rest. Living in Tandem means you follow and share and do your very important part. But you don’t do more than is yours to do either.

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I want so much to express how different I am than 18 years ago! I want to share this freedom from the lies of do more, be less. That’s how the enemy twists submission.

Grace tells us we are enough. Satan tells us we’ll never be good enough.

In the words of Bob Dylan…You gotta serve somebody…

I pray you’ll choose to get on the Tandem with God.

Moving Forward is by Being Still

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It’s Day 26 of #write31days and as I have reflected daily on really what I’ve learned from the #LivinginTandem metaphor is a paradox;

We move forward by being still.

Yesterday when I spent some time listening to God through the reading of His Word, I heard a refrain I’ve heard and ignored before:

Be Still.  Be Still.

In all my focus on to do lists and thinking I have to keep doing, keep accomplishing, the result is always stress & anxiety. The refrain is

Not Enough.  Not Enough. Like this glass that is half empty.

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Or is it half full?

But God whispers again

Be Still and know 

So I sit to listen again to the heart of Paul’s letters…

Grace

Peace

Christ is all and in all

Christ in you the hope of glory

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And I see. I hear.

Lay aside the old way.  Be renewed. Put on the new self. (Col. 3:12-17)

Daily be transformed by the renewing of my mind. (Romans 12:2)

By the mercies of God. (Romans 12:1)

Moving forward is by Being Still.

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Being still seems counter intuitive to being productive. But God consistently gives me wisdom, strength, encouragement to share, and most of all, the peace of His Presence when I have set aside my demanding to do list to sit quietly with His Word open and my heart ready to listen.

Laying aside old ways, being renewed day by day and putting on the new self as Paul defines in Col. 3:12-17 is a process, not a one time event. We are complex beings with many facets. We are created in the image of God you know. So this journey, this living in tandem with God is full of ups and downs, hills and valleys. But the best news? You’re never alone.

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Building Muscle (Learning to Trust)

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Disclaimer: This is not a post about body building.

It seems the natural reaction to doing something for the first time is often fear.  Picture a swimming pool for a moment. You’ve probably seen a child standing on the edge of a diving board, looking down at the water and waiting. So much uncertainty. You may have also seen a child turn around and walk back off the board. Or perhaps you know one who refused to climb the ladder in the first place. Or get their face in the water.  The unknown can be overwhelming.

When I talk about riding a tandem bike with my husband I am met with one of three responses: “That would be so fun!” OR “That would be terrifying!” OR “I could NEVER do that!”  Interestingly when I first considered sitting on the back seat and actually riding the bike with my husband terror was what gripped me.  It wasn’t because I didn’t know what riding a bike was like; I’d been riding bikes since I was 7.  It was because of trust.  Or coming face to face with the need to leave my comfort zone and the real potential for getting physically hurt!  I didn’t say I would NEVER do that, but I did feel fear grip my insides.

Trust can be a fuzzy thing. We toss the word around so nonchalantly. We say things like “I can trust him with my life!” or “Don’t trust her she’s a practical joker.” But when fear wells up inside, your Trust muscle needs to take over.

I said trust can be fuzzy; I guess what I mean is that it’s a big idea that can be explained by experiences and other words that are also big ideas. It’s not like Tree.  You can look at pictures of trees. But to define trust you need experiences and other words. Faith. Belief. Trust. They are all synonyms and can be used to help bring clarity to the big idea.

When I realized I was afraid to trust my husband with all the control on the bike a new awareness began dawning on the edges of my consciousness. Not just that I was a control freak. I had had that fact pointed out on many occasions and not always in light-hearted ways. No, the new idea that began as a flicker of recognition on the horizon of my awareness was: if I don’t trust him, do I really love him?

Of course I wanted to be able to say I trust my husband. But at that moment when I climbed onto the back of the borrowed tandem 18 years ago my heart was racing and fear was running rampant and all I could say was “Try not to kill us!” Not a very trusting statement.  Fortunately all body parts were intact after the 10 minute ride through the neighborhood. That one ride didn’t cure me of my freak nature but it did build my trust a teeny bit. He proved he knew how to steer and brake safely. We didn’t fall down or crash. (All good things to avoid when possible)

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(my view from the tandem)

Trust is like a muscle. It has to be used to grow. And it has to be strained to get stronger.

My trust of my husband’s cycling ability wasn’t going to go off the charts with one 10 minute ride.  But if there was a meter to measure the increase of trust , I know mine began to go up that day. And as trust went up, my need to control started to loosen its grip on my life.

Aren’t we like that with God? We’re not sure if He’s trustworthy so we only give Him a little bit of room in our lives. When He shows Himself faithful (like He says He is) then our trust goes up.

Here’s a thought: You can’t fully trust someone you don’t know.

I’d been married to my husband for 6 years when we first shared that ride on a tandem bike. It wasn’t as if I didn’t know him. But I discovered then that I didn’t fully trust him.

My need for control in all areas of my life was revealing my lack of trust; of people, but ultimately of God, too. If I was going to be able to loosen the grip of the control freak role in my life I was going to have to exercise my trust muscle in new and harder ways. I was going to have to learn to trust.

I could learn more about my husband. I could practice riding with him. But if it’s true you can’t trust someone you don’t know, how do we learn to trust God?

You can get to know Him in a million little ways.  More tomorrow…

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What’s Your Why?

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Some of the things I spend my time doing daily are have to’s and some are want to’s.  I imagine that is true for you as well.  Figuring out the difference between the have to’s and want to’s as I go through my day can be helpful, but a lot of the time I find myself asking “why am I doing this activity?”

Knowing my Why makes all the difference.  Not just in the short term to help me stay motivated but in the long term to help me FOCUS.

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When I began to learn about how I could be a better wife I discovered the learning wasn’t just for being a wife. I was learning how to be a better person. A better Christ follower.

And learning how to follow Christ is the exact place that the enemy of our souls wants to trip us up. I believe that’s in large part why God’s construct for submission has been so criticized and degraded. Yes, I know and agree there have been MANY abuses of submission. Lots of people have used the concept to control rather than to love & shepherd well.  There has been MUCH hurt: physical, emotional & spiritual, because of the misuse and misunderstanding of Biblical submission.  But God…

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His plan is good. His Word is for our good. People misunderstand, take portions out of context, stripping the Word away from the full counsel of God, and have made submission like profanity.

And it is not!

Now mind you I’ve had years of wrestling with the way I’ve thought about submission because of the cultural era in which I grew from child to woman; as a result of all the mixed and mistaken messages I have gone to God’s Word again and again to look at the good that has come from His headship and the woes that have happened by going my own way.  I’ve asked myself many times why is submission important, and what does the Bible say about it really?

If you are  familiar with Scripture you may think the place to go to get a good understanding about submission is in the Apostle Paul’s letter to Ephesians. It’s the most quoted and taken out of proper context verse on the topic. But that’s not the place I want to begin.  That abused verse isn’t going to help answer the Why.

Instead let’s take a look at Jesus the Son. In the Garden of Gethsemane. In anguish over what was coming, He went to beg His Father for a different Way, a different outcome. He prayed 3 times. And He said this: “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”

“not as I will, but as you will”

This is submission.

Having a conversation with God, expressing His concerns, desires, fears and trusting that the Father’s will for Jesus was better than the Son’s desires for Himself in Christ’s full humanity; that was His Why. And being fully God He had full knowledge of the bigger Why; the redemption of all humanity by His sinless death on the gruesome cross.

In having my own conversation with God, expressing my concerns, desires, fears and trusting that God’s will for me is better than my desires for myself; that’s the Why.

Husbands are called to submit to wives, wives to husbands and all of us to authorities. And we all are to submit to/surrender to/follow Christ.

We have a voice. We have rights. Jesus had both. But God in those circumstances had a different plan with Jesus’s submission. A much bigger plan with hard, horrible circumstances.

I don’t want to gloss over the pain of both the Father and the Son at the crucifixion and run quickly to the outcome on the 3rd Day. It is terribly disrespectful to what Christ endured for each of us to simply say there’s our model. We are not little Jesus’s nor are most called to literally sacrifice life for the good of mankind, but the pain and struggle of submitting one’s will is my FOCUS today.

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Learning biblical truth is not like studying for a test. To have success, you have to train — you have to practice for success. It doesn’t happen in a 10 week Bible study.  Learning is demonstrated by the effect on a life. Following is like submitting. You are not in charge. The Captain is.

And Living in Tandem is a life long journey.

Who’s in Charge Here?

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Who’s in Charge Here?

On the second day of this #write31days series I shared how beneficial being mentored had been for me. Having a mentor speak into my life was literally transformational.  I am not the same woman I used to be thanks to the Lord intervening through Peggy’s willingness to speak the Truth in love.

Because of our friendship Peggy earned the right to give me earnest counsel. She saw up close where my heart was turning bitter and gently pointed it out.  She helped me consider another way of being and thinking as a wife that I had not seen in my family of origin.  We talked about the “S” word and I learned that Biblical submission is not about holding down a woman’s will and making her a doormat to step on.  There would be no demeaning of my humanity as it is perceived in the world view of submission.

I was on my second marriage at this point and things weren’t going so well. In fact, this second marriage was starting to have elements of my first marriage. Had I made another tragic mistake? Or could it be the issue was in the common denominator in these two marriages? Oh wait! That would be me!  Peggy spoke into my life a very hard truth: I had to stop looking back at the marriage that didn’t last, seek healing and learn to live & grow in the marriage I was in. I was no longer the other guy’s wife and so for this young second marriage to be healthy I would need to do some changing. Hmmm.

Peggy shared a different picture of submission this way: imagine you are standing in the pouring rain without an umbrella. Along comes your husband with an umbrella and invites you to stand under it. You don’t have to but you choose to.  The rain represents the full weight of responsibility of life. The umbrella represents a covering that the husband provides; a way of doing life together.  Yes you can have your own umbrella and be independent but when you share an umbrella you can learn to walk together more closely.  Sometimes it’s awkward and adjusting has to happen. But as the umbrella covers us from the rain, so learning to come under the headship God provides is the covering of submission.

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Peggy’s umbrella picture stuck with me. I began asking God to show me how I could love my husband, how I could love God better through practicing acts of submission.  What would I gain? What would I lose? Those were questions I began to wrestle with in prayer before God.

It’s a big idea, submission. It’s a perfect concept that has been misused and misunderstood for millennia. I can’t unpack all that I have learned in one sitting.  But I want to share with you the beauty and freedom that comes when Biblical submission is lived out.  I’m not in charge. God is. He’s really the One sitting in the front seat on the tandem of my life.

I know this topic stirs up lots of thoughts…share them in the comments and let’s open the discussion okay?

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The Basic Elements of Living in Tandem

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As I’ve pondered this bicycle metaphor I’ve been alluding to so far in the first 10 days of this series, the metaphor has gone deep into God and wide out into the world.  A tandem bike? Really?

Really.

Here’s why: as a Christ follower we live this earthly life learning to…well… follow. That implies someone is ahead, leading. Showing the Way. But we don’t live this life independent; we’re closely connected, to the One who is leading. Christ is constantly present with us. We have His strength, His wisdom, His love to guide our lives.

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There are 3 basic elements to this tandem metaphor that I’ll spend the rest of this series exploring:

Getting to Know the Captain;

Getting to Know Our Part; and

Working as a Team.

I’m really excited to share the Biblical basis for each of these elements and hope to inspire you to begin deeply considering where you are in your relationship with Christ; how aware you are about your role in relationship with Him; and the vital part you play as a member of the Body of Christ.

Let’s take a look at this photo together for a moment.

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What are the stand out elements for you?

For me at first glance I see the light in the clouds. Then I notice the things that are in the foreground.  You might have approached it differently. I’d love to hear.

What’s my point? We see a similar circumstance differently. Nothing is wrong with different perspectives. They are just different. Difference can enrich life. But sometimes we can let difference divide us.

The idea of our spiritual life being like riding a tandem bicycle is an idea, a perspective, that has been formed through my experience riding on the back seat. God has used these experiences to deepen my awareness of Him, to help me learn more about myself in relation to Him and others, and the experiences on the bike have helped me see value in the part I play. These are good things. But they are my perspective.  You might see things differently. I’d love to engage with you to hear your thoughts as this series unfolds.

You may comment here, over on Facebook or Instagram or even on Twitter. I’d love to have you share your perspective!

What is Enough?

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The sun is just up over the horizon, the house is quiet, the only noise the hum of the refrigerator. Outside is a different thing.

Birds of countless varieties are moving and chattering; calling out their finds of bugs, worms, seeds.

Beads of dew on blades of grass catching new light as if a thousand diamonds grace the ground.

All is quiet for a moment; a hush of new day awareness.

A mockingbird begins its litany of imitations with the loudest voice in the yard and the chorus begins anew.

A hummingbird swoops into view, hovers near the lemon tree where the fragrance of the tree draws in search of a blossom to dip into to.

This moment is enough.

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What does that even mean?

In a culture that looks for the next best thing, seeks more than what is and uses “never” to pair with enough, it’s hard to imagine that something that simple and quiet can be called enough.

And yet, it’s moments like this our soul finds satisfaction.

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How can we capture moments? How do we learn to see them in the first place?

Practice. It’s possible to learn to see, learn to hear. Jesus said let them who have eyes to see, see. Let them who have ears to hear, hear.  That seems to me to be an invitation to ask for that to be true for me. For each of us.

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Some call it mindfulness. Some use the phrase living with intention.

I call it Living in Tandem.

Living in Tandem with the One who offers the gift of each moment. It’s learning to live aware. Aware of subtlety. Aware of the expanse hidden in a seed.

Aware of His abiding Presence.

One of the greatest tools I have come across for developing this awareness of God’s Presence is the little book Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

Brother Lawrence was a Carmelite monk in 17th century Paris. Before he joined the monastery he served in the army because he was so poor he knew he would be fed and clothed in turn for his serving. While in the army in the dead of winter, he saw a tree which was of course without leaves or fruit. He realized the tree as a symbol of hope for new life. It was at that moment “first flashed in upon my soul the fact of God”. This point of conversion led him to eventually join the Carmelite monastery in Paris.

Brother Lawrence was a simple man without advanced learning yet his simple awareness of God’s abiding Presence was noticed by all who encountered him.  We have Abbe de Beaufort to thank for having conversations with Brother Lawrence and writing them down for us to be able to glean for our own spiritual growth.  If you have not yet read this thin book I highly recommend you do.

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Developing awareness of God is a life long practice. And yet God wants to be found by us, to have our hearts turned toward Him, to learn to trust Him.

What is enough? You are. As you are. Because if you love Christ and are on the journey with Him, He lives in you. See? You actually are MORE than enough.

When a Soul Needs Quiet

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All morning long I’ve been juggling calendar and email; sending and receiving texts; straightening up around the house; taking care of business. It’s only 11:00 am and I feel spent. Part of me feels as if nothing has gotten done. My infamous to-do list has boxes checked so if that’s my measuring stick I know I am ok.

But something is still not settled.

My soul needs quiet.

It has been a long, slow journey to awareness of that fact. Detoxing from years of too full calendar space and changing habits has not come easily to me.

I have lived a life of performance to earn favor. A life bound up by believing lies that perpetuated the performance even after following Christ.

But God…

Whispers quietly to come be still and know.

But God…

Invites me to Come to Him when I am weary and burdened and He will give me rest.

But God…

Speaks words of comfort as He promises to never leave me or forget me.

Those are literally my two favorite words in the Bible. I have them circled in my Bible…

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When my life feels overwhelming and tasks feel impossible to accomplish

When I feel my internal world swirling

When I slip into listening to the lies I have heard so many times

I know my soul needs quiet.

How can quiet happen when it seems there is so much noise?!

It’s a discipline. A thing to try. A habit to be formed.

I have learned to say those two amazing words But God…

And remember God has a different idea for me.

He is bigger than any issue we face. He knows. He cares. He longs to have us aware of His abiding Presence; to come to Him in a breath to slow down and be quiet.

Our souls need to be filled up before we are poured out in our days. And refilled in the middle of the day! And throughout the day!!!

Living in Tandem is a journey. A soul journey of learning to live aware.  A journey implies a beginning and an end. I believe the end will be when He calls each of us to our promised eternal home with Him.

The beginning? Well that depends on you.

What’s your response to His invitation to get on the bike with Him?

But God…

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Living in Tandem Requires Movement (Day 3)

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This quote is attributed to Albert Einstein.

What’s true of an individual bicycle is definitely true in tandem cycling.  It’s a lot easier to fall over when you’re not moving forward! And moving implies change.

I’m aware that some of you reading may not be in a committed relationship and you might think this blog series isn’t geared to your season of life.  I want to state here on Day 3 of #write31days that Living in Tandem is primarily about learning to live in tandem with God,  our One True Captain.  And although my friend Peggy suggested tandem cycling to help me deal with my marriage, God had bigger plans. Tandem cycling is a metaphor I have learned for my spiritual life.  I didn’t know that I was going to grow spiritually in this cycling challenge at first.  Most of the time I was praying super spiritual prayers like “Please don’t let us die! Our boys are too young to lose their parents!” Or really selfless prayers like “if we crash just let it be over quick!  I’m ready to be with You Jesus!”  But as the training rides got longer and I became a better stoker I had more time to relax into what I was seeing and experiencing. On those rides the Lord started to show me how my need for control in all my relationships (family, friends, work, etc.) was evidence that I was NOT TRUSTING God.  Ouch.

Here’s how I know.  You can see the picture:

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You can’t ride a tandem alone from the back.  You need someone in the front to be the Captain.  The Captain steers, brakes, shifts gears and helps balance the bicycle whether at a stop or on the move.  The stoker (the back seat rider) balances, pedals and encourages the Captain.  From this list, who has more responsibility?

If I kept trying to steer from the back we would tip over.  I can’t shift; the levers are on the front handlebars.  I can’t brake either for the same reason. I can however help balance by not moving around on the saddle.  I have to pedal because the bike is designed with in sync pedals; working together to move forward, and keep moving forward, is a huge part of this metaphor.

We need to communicate to move. And the Captain initiates the communication.

Let that sink in.

I’m not the one to say “Hey! Here’s my plan. Let’s go.”  Well I can say it, and I can push the bike forward, but if it’s not the Captain’s idea, the results are likely to be unpleasant, at best. I began to see the spiritual connections, even though I’m sometimes a slow learner.

God initiates the momentum for movement in my spiritual life. I respond. I have a part to play but I’m not in control.  The Captain is.

These musings spilled over to meditating on Romans 12:1

I urge you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.

See that phrase that tells us it’s all God’s initiating? …by the mercies of God…

Because of what He has already done, I am able to learn to live in tandem with Him.

My cooperation allows the tandem to move forward.

How is your cooperation with God? Learning to listen and cooperate is part of Living in Tandem.

Living in Tandem with Others

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Do you ever wonder how you would handle (respond) a friend pointing out you’re out of line? I don’t mean a literal line like at the grocery store. I mean when how you’re thinking about something, or acting in response to someone, is out of line with what God has in mind.

When my friend Peggy pointed out my bad attitude toward my husband’s way of leading our family it wasn’t easy to hear.  I can imagine it wasn’t easy for her to hear me whining and complaining in the first place!  I was often confiding in her about the little things Colin did or didn’t do that were driving me crazy.  She listened and then asked me how I was helping the situation. I said things like “well I tell him what’s bugging me- I don’t keep it hidden.” Peggy laughed and then asked, “Do you tell God as often as you tell Colin?”  I just stared at her and simply said “No”.  Her question didn’t come with criticism or condescension. It was her simple way of planting a seed for me to nurture.

Peggy prayed with and for me. She listened to, laughed with and encouraged me. She watched our baby boy and invited our kindergarten son over to play with her kindergartener. But most importantly, Peggy pointed me to the Truth.  She was (and is) a woman of the Word.  Peggy didn’t lecture; we didn’t do Bible studies together. She would simply weave God’s Word into our conversations with gentleness and grace. Peggy was like the big sister I never had. We had lots of deep conversations and laughed a ton. She always had Kleenex for me when the waterworks started (which was regularly!). In a word, Peggy was my mentor.

I didn’t ask her to mentor me. I don’t know if she even thought about our relationship in that way originally.  But her way of doing life was so helpful for me to witness and her friendship was such a gift that God used Peggy to shape me ever so slowly.  Our friendship allowed her to speak of hard things to me; to point me to the Truth in a way that I could both hear and receive.

Proverbs 27:9 says Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.

A mentor can be that kind of friend in your life. A friend who hears your heart and points you to Jesus. A friend who counsels you with wisdom and grace as well as humor. Learning to listen to words like these is a part of living in tandem. Webster defines tandem as “a group of two people or things that work together or are associated with each other.” Allowing yourself to be mentored by someone, whether it is in a work setting, spiritual setting or a combination, is a way of living in tandem.

I am a better human being because I have been mentored. We all have many areas to grow and change in life; I’ve had the privilege of several mentors speaking into my life through different seasons.  I believe mentoring is helpful, fun and, dare I say, vital, for each of us.

The other side of mentoring is becoming a mentor.  But more on that aspect of living in tandem in a future post!

How do you find a mentor? What do you and a mentor do? Should it be formal or casual? Is this a commitment for life?  (You might say Yikes!) Sure there are lots of questions but there are just as many answers because there isn’t just one way of having/being a mentor.  I’d love to hear some of your questions/concerns about mentoring.  Or maybe you have a story to share that can encourage another woman?  Please chime in!

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