Learning Along The Way

Eating Ice Cream Isn’t Sabotaging a Diet

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We’ve all had them. A day where one unplanned event after another piles on top the over full calendar items already weighing heavy. Juggling it all is improbable at best and sure to cause a stress melt down at worst.

I had one of those today. A little surprising since my day was full only with a few home things like laundry and grocery shopping with writing projects to be my focus. I like to plan little breaks in writing so getting up to move a load of laundry through allows my brain space to ponder.

Idyllic really. No one at home but me, time and space to accomplish these few tasks to bless my husband, as well as our son and niece who are here for the summer.

There were competing forces at work wanting to prevent me from being an effective, gracious Christ-follower. There were several attempts to bring down the stress hammer in effort to shatter my composure. But God.

You know that’s really all we have on our to-do list right? Let go of our need to control. Lean in to the easy yoke of Jesus.

My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

In the middle of all the competing forces the Spirit whispered Truth; reminders of the deep, quiet place in my soul to be still and know that I was invited to retreat to at any given moment.

Including the stressful ones.

I don’t always choose wisely. I want to. I want to be God’s woman in my circumstances. All.the.Time.

However my perfectionistic tendencies have kept me from taking the Spirit up on that sweetly whispered invitation on too many occasions to count. But today?

Today I chose to be still within trusting His wisdom while the waves crashed on the surface.

We make our plans, but God directs our steps.

The stories of Peter and Jesus, their friendship and Jesus’s gentle, yet firm interactions with Peter have always spoken to me. I’m of Peter’s temperament. Quick to speak, slow to listen and quick to become angry. Maybe James had Peter in mind when he penned the opposite verse:

Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

Peter was quick to act before thinking things through. Just like his reaction to seeing Jesus walking on the water in the middle of the night on a stormy sea. Based on the way Peter was portrayed in all the other recorded interactions my guess is he took exactly one nano second to say ‘If it’s you Lord tell me to come.’ I like to think of Jesus with a ‘I know how this is going to turn out yet I want to give Peter the chance’ tone in His response:

“Come.”

You may know how the story turns out, but there is a detail that bears a pause for reflection. Between Peter’s stepping out of the boat and floundering in fear: He kept his eyes on Jesus. The moment Peter looked around at his crazy circumstances and remembered he was defying the known laws of the universe, he started to sink.

As long as he focused on Jesus he walked above his circumstances.  

Peter was still out of the boat, walking on the water toward Jesus. Peter was above his certain death circumstances. The water was whipping and splashing on his cloak. His feet were wet. The wind was still blowing.

As long as he focused on Jesus he walked above his circumstances.

I know this detail is important. There are other places in scripture that tell us to fix our eyes on Jesus. To fix or focus is a way of demonstrating faith and trust. That’s why Jesus asked Peter

‘why did you doubt?’

When I was going through my day with so many reasons to look around at my crazy circumstances in stress and fear that was my choice point. Do I trust the whispered invitation of the Spirit to go deep with Him or do I doubt His Presence or ability and trust myself instead; trying to wrestle my way through the stress and make things turn out the way I planned?

Sounds like an obvious choice right?

Part of peeling off perfectionism is taking the risk to not pretend to be in control.

Part of peeling off perfectionism is making a different choice: to trust God and not myself. Click To Tweet

So that’s what I made effort to do at every new layer that was added today; all the unplanned items that needed immediate priority while still making other prior commitments work. I would have had a meltdown if I’d been operating in my own strength. But listening to the whisper, paying attention and choosing to let go of control & lean into the easy yoke made my day so much better.

In fact, when the obligations were done, My Father and I celebrated by having my favorite treat since childhood.IMG_9295

It wasn’t sabotaging a diet to eat this ice cream. It was a celebration of trust!

Perfectionism is prevalent. You and I can learn to peel it off and choose differently.

Keep an eye out for my e-course launching in August. There will be opportunity to gather with others who are in the same place; desiring to be free of the false perfect way. We’ll celebrate the small victories like mine today. Not always with ice cream, but celebrate we will!

Please share your ‘wins’ in peeling off perfectionism: here or on the Learning Along the Way Facebook page. You never know who needs your encouragement!

 

Why I’m Not Fooling Around Anymore

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Confession is good for the soul. I heard that somewhere.

Here it is: I’m not good at forgiveness. I say that but to clarify I mean forgiveness is not something I can do on my own.   There are people who have done horrible things to me that I have forgiven. I don’t harbor ill will or bitterness toward them. That forgiveness was not easy but it is complete. Thank you, Jesus for working it out in me.

So what am I confessing then? I am terrible at forgiving the little things. I make myself into a martyr who sacrifices so much for so many with so little recognition or thanks.

Ridiculous. 

And you know who suffers most? My husband. The one who has sacrificed so much to make my life, our family’s life, pleasant in so many ways. The one who is Jesus with skin on to me and for me. And my thanks?

Being a nitpicking perfectionist who is never satisfied with anything.

Always more to be done. Always can be done better. My way.

Sheesh.

Well I’m not fooling around anymore.

I’m breaking up with perfectionism.

And unforgiveness.

The result of unforgiveness is a hard heart, a heart that is filled with bitterness, toxic to allowing the life and love of Jesus to flow through me.  My unforgiveness is not more powerful than Christ. But my turning to my own way is like drawing the blackout curtains toward the sunlight. The Light still exists and is more powerful; I’ve chosen to block it with my self-focused ways.

I can’t hold my husband captive with unforgiveness and expect to have a love-filled marriage. Click To Tweet

He is not a puppet with me pulling the strings.

Forgiveness breaks the hard shell of a hard heart like a hammer to a walnut.

And I’ve known for a long time that I am a nutcase.

But to get to the point of recognizing my nutty behavior, I begged God to do some serious surgery in my festering heart.

First confession

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Then repentance

Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

Then Hope

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Then reminder

Forget the former things;

    do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

    and streams in the wasteland.

Tomorrow is our 25th wedding anniversary. And true to our whole lives together, we are doing things differently than others who have achieved this milestone: we’re simply going out to dinner.

It’s like how life was when we were first married. Simple.

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We got married behind a bookstore by a justice of the peace because neither of us were walking in a life of faith. Our sons like to say we were married by a shaman because the JoP was a woman and it was a garden behind a New Age Bookstore. No matter. God is in the business of redemption and second chances. A lot of life has transpired in 25 years. Fun. Laughter. Love. Loss. Wounds. Change. Growth. Repeat.

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Forgiveness. Keeping short accounts with each other and with God. Being quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry.

By God’s grace and the Spirit’s equipping I will not live with an unforgiving heart any longer.

It’s like when we were first married. Only MUCH BETTER!

It’s a Swing and a Miss

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The All Star break is over. Whew. This girl is a gamer. Or a poser. I can talk just enough baseball to stay in a conversation. I know the number of players on the field and what positions they play depending on where they stand. Don’t ask me to score the game or tell you what type of pitch was just thrown.

It’s a game and it’s fun to watch and fun to play. You may not be a baseball fan so I’ll try to keep the analogies to a minimum. I can’t pass on this one though.

Conversations in developing relationships between genders often result in a swing and a miss.

The Hubster and I’ve been married 25 years this coming Wednesday. From the lens of the world this is a huge accomplishment. From the lens of a perfectionist it’s evidence of not always getting your way and giving in for the sake of the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong: the Hubster lives up to his nickname’s definition.

Urban Dictionary: Hubster–Nickname derived from hubby however it marks a significant difference from it. This is a man that is not only a husband to a woman but he is a companion. Someone that loves his wife completely and utterly. He understands her in every situation and makes any and all the effort to make her happy. He is truly a best friend, he is that one person whom she finds comfort in and can tell anything to. Not only does he pertain to all these qualities but he is also kind, sweet, loving, and a completely honest person. He is a one of a kind man that all girls want to have, but when he chooses that one girl for him, it is all he can think about. He is truly the best husband a woman can have.

In the 25 years of me giving in for the sake of relationship, the Hubster has had more personal sacrifice to deal with than I am happy to admit. I literally laughed out loud when I heard these humorous and yet pointed tidbits from a text our son received. This long-winded commentary came from one of his college housemates in reference to the struggles of a relationship from a male perspective. With his permission here are his whimsical words (which may give you more insight to the male mind).

“I have to clean the house, bathe regularly, control myself, watch tv with other people, share a bed, buy food and watch other people eat it, look presentable, talk to a woman, not get enough sleep, deal with other people’s questions, deal with it at work, lie about my feelings, be nice to her friends and family, come up with date ideas, deal with an endless stream of questions about my day and what I’m thinking about and probably some more stuff I don’t want to deal with.”

My perfectionist self laughs but there’s also a part of me saying

Although my inner voice may be asserting I’m NOT bossy, I make effort to temper my skills with humor.

The genders come at communication with differing perspectives, expectations and agendas.

Relationship 101.

We can’t change another person. We can only CHOOSE to become a better person. This is where give and take comes in. But a relationship isn’t a baseball game where we keep score or the stats are recorded. In fact, quite the opposite. We need to learn to let stuff go.

The struggle for perfectionists, like me, is placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others. The Hubster has worked tirelessly for a quarter of a century to teach me two words:

Oh Well.

These aren’t words of resignation. They’re words of grace. “Don’t be so hard on me. Don’t be so hard on others. And don’t be so hard on you.”

This is a significant part of becoming a “better person”; choosing to give grace instead of criticism. Choosing to show grace and simply enjoy one another’s company without keeping score.

How different might a developing relationship be if there were no hidden agendas or unwritten rules & expectations getting in the way of simply being yourself, of being who God has made you?

Perhaps if we choose to let go of expectations and lean in toward one another, we might experience a greater sense of being a partner, a member of a team.

How have you seen this idea play out in your relationship experience?

Peeling off Perfectionism

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I can’t even tell you how creepy this disease is. I have a vague memory of a scene in a children’s movie where the black goo of evil gets all over the bad guy and suffocates him. This suffocating image expresses  this pervasive covering of perfectionism for me.

I’ve been numb to it for years. I believed perfectionism was someone else’s issue not mine. But the truth is because of shame I have lived with this mindset of perfectionism for as long as I can remember.

Good news!

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(quote credit: Christine Caine)

I’m peeling off the layers of perfectionism. It’s messy. And I will make mistakes. It’s painful to look at the gaps in my way of doing life that used to be covered over by this lie I believed.

But Jesus said all things are possible to him who believes. So my response is I do believe, help me in my unbelief.

This means being honest and talking through the hard places of change; moving toward growth and being willing to do things without having my act all together.

YIKES!!

This vulnerability feels a little like the emperor’s new clothes except where the Emperor thought he had a lovely outfit, I know I’m going to be exposed. (Fortunately for all, this is just a metaphor!)

I choose to be brave and take a tentative step forward in my one creative life.

My heart is ready to risk.  It’s been hidden away, self-protected, falsely secure.

For years I’ve read verses that tell me Truth about who God sees me to be. But I have been like the person the apostle James describes who sees their face in a mirror but then forgets what they look like when they turn away from the mirror.

In other words, I haven’t lived out the words of life and truth. I’ve chosen to stay stuck, allowing the enemy of all that is good and true to hold me captive in an imaginary cell of my own acceptance.

What about you? I know I am not alone in this unfortunate trap. I’ve learned just enough about how to get out and away from the slime of perfectionism that I can hold my hand out to you and say

let’s go this way together!

Here’s what I want to do. Let’s get a group together of those who are willing to drop the facade, who are willing to engage with what we’re all learning along the Way.

I’m starting a podcast at the beginning of August where I’ll share quotes, facts, resources, challenges and connection points.  I will also be launching an e-course (available on my website) focusing on letting go and leaning in. There will be a spiritual component to the activities in the course because I believe strongly that we are all on a spiritual journey while we are here on this planet. Where we are journeying is the important question.  We’ll talk about that too.

In the meantime, let me know either here or on the Learning Along the Way Facebook page that you want to peel off perfectionism too.

Let’s do this!

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