What is it about Mother’s Day that was always so painful?
My mother didn’t “get” me.
I wasn’t easy.
I talked a lot.
And then was broken.
Through my brokenness I needed.
She had nothing to give.
Her own brokenness had been pushed away and put away, never to be fully faced but always to be lived out of; embittered, angry, and impatient with anyone who asked of her more than what she was willing to offer.
That was me.
Empty, needy and hurting I wanted her…
comfort, understanding, time, presence.
A skinned knee—“Bactine and Band Aids are in the cupboard”
A hurt and misunderstood heart—“Life’s not fair, get over it.”
A listening ear—“I don’t have time to listen to your whining!”
What a child sees and hears may not be all of the reality that is being lived out. Children lack the skills to see beyond the responses; but the words bore deep into the forming soul.
As I seek deep healing from the One who gave it all, I look back and see her differently:
A wounded heart that had not sought the Master’s touch to heal
A broken girl trying to achieve acceptance in the world
A neglected woman working to earn favor in the workplace
A mother of two broken children: frustrated, without resources, believing lies
As I come to this Mother’s Day, I come with renewed perspective.
Eucharisteo
I give thanks for the dark graces of my childhood
To see them as scars, no longer wounds.
To rejoice in the fellowship of His sufferings, knowing full well that all I walked through He walked with me, although unknown to me at the time.
He touches the places of the deep bore-holes and peace enters in.
I am loved as I am.
I am seen for Whose I am.
I am accepted because He was forsaken.
Because I am learning to see my life through the redeeming work of the Cross, I am able to say what is and truly forgive. How can I not when I have been forgiven all?
She is gone 6 years now. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would take a do-over pass if offered.
I would love to show her grace. I would love to say I’m sorry for all her pain and sorrow. But I can’t.
Don’t let the past dictate your present. Let it go. Forgive.
Receive the gift, the grace given
Give thanks
The result?
Joy
Hi Lisa,
Hope all is well. I have been enjoying your blogs. I am encouraged as I see your commitment to our Father . Your candidness about your own struggles along your life journey is refreshing. It helps to know I am not alone. Have you ever thought of writing a memoir?. I feel like the experiences you have had throughout your life, how you have delt with each one, and how along the way you have grown in your relationship with God would be so inspirational to others. Just a thought.
Nancy
Thanks so much for letting me know my musings are helpful to you Nancy. I so appreciate hearing how God is using my offerings. The idea of writing a memoir has flitted around in my thoughts like a butterfly looking for flowers yet hasn’t settled. I do enjoy reading others’ memoirs; do you follow Ann Voskamp? She has written One Thousand Gifts. She also blogs at aholyexperience.com. Her writing is exquisite in my opinion. Thank you again for taking the time to share and encourage. Praying your day is blessed!