Yesterday, after reading my post “Learning to Listen” my DH (dear husband) said he liked the learning to listen part but the boulder didn’t make sense. “I know what you mean because I know you, but it didn’t make sense there.” Of course, my DH is right. Too many pictures clutter the scene.
If you’re a reader that doesn’t know my story yet then the picture of the Boulder in my path was probably confusing for you too. It does tie in with Learning to Listen I promise. And true to His Way in my life, God brought me the connection in the well written form of a devotional entry from Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. She has done a masterful job of writing in the first person, Jesus talking to you. Here is today’s entry, February 22, as is:
“You need Me every moment. Your awareness of your constant need for Me is your greatest strength. Your neediness, properly handled, is a link to my Presence. However, there are pitfalls that you must be on guard against: self-pity, self-preoccupation, giving up. Your inadequacy presents you with a continual choice—deep dependence on Me, or despair. The emptiness you feel within will be filled either with problems or with My Presence. Make Me central in your consciousness by praying continually: simple, short prayers flowing out of the present moment. Use My Name liberally, to remind you of My Presence. Keep on asking and you will receive, so that your gladness may be full and complete.” (1Thessalonians 5:17)
How does this tie to the Boulder in my Path? It’s a metaphor for what got in the way of my perfect life as defined by me. My husband, (not the DH; he comes later!) chose an affair over our marriage while I was pregnant with our first child. That reality was the Boulder. What I did about it was summed up in today’s entry from Jesus Calling: “there are pitfalls that you must be on guard against: self-pity, self-preoccupation, giving up. Your inadequacy presents you with a continual choice—deep dependence on Me, or despair.”
At first I did what I thought God would want me to do, but I was not skilled at listening and definitely unpracticed in the art of Waiting. When I didn’t get what I wanted (a restored marriage) I tried to solve the problem on my own. Not really listening, not really looking deeply at the Word or seeking wisdom from those who had walked this path ahead of me. That’s the part about finding my own footholds and hand holds to find a way over the Boulder.
After hearing from my husband that reconciliation was not going to happen, we divorced. Failure. Single parenthood. Loneliness. Despair. You get the picture. After our divorce was final I decided to make my own way and that was to replace the husband. I would be back on the path to a perfect life! Makes sense right? In my not-so-far-in-my-past pre-Jesus life, the way to meet men involved going to bars. (This is where the DH comes into the picture). I met this cute guy, he liked me and life was good again.
Fast forward four years of life lived in my own strength without Listening and I’m still on the Boulder making my own way. I was pregnant with our first child, co-parenting my 5 year old; my DH not a man of faith and me a woman of nominal faith. It was at this point in my climb over the Boulder that I slipped and crashed into the weeds. I had a miscarriage. The loss of a child is traumatic no matter when the child’s life ends. It was here, when I found myself in the weeds after all my efforts to get over the Boulder and on my perfect life path, that I came to the end of my self. I earnestly cried out to God for help; desperate to truly connect with Him and His plan for me. Here is where I began Learning to Listen.
With all this back story I hope it makes sense why I shortened the explanation yesterday! Although I may appear to be the central character in this memoir, the real Central Character is God. He made a New Way for me (Is. 43:19; Jn 14-6). He will make your Way straight (Prov. 3:5-6). “God’s hand is not so short that it cannot save, neither is His ear so dull that it cannot hear.” (Is. 59:1) Call out to Him! (Jer. 33:3; Rom. 10:8-10).