Why I’m Not Fooling Around Anymore

Confession is good for the soul. I heard that somewhere.

Here it is: I’m not good at forgiveness. I say that but to clarify I mean forgiveness is not something I can do on my own.   There are people who have done horrible things to me that I have forgiven. I don’t harbor ill will or bitterness toward them. That forgiveness was not easy but it is complete. Thank you, Jesus for working it out in me.

So what am I confessing then? I am terrible at forgiving the little things. I make myself into a martyr who sacrifices so much for so many with so little recognition or thanks.

Ridiculous. 

And you know who suffers most? My husband. The one who has sacrificed so much to make my life, our family’s life, pleasant in so many ways. The one who is Jesus with skin on to me and for me. And my thanks?

Being a nitpicking perfectionist who is never satisfied with anything.

Always more to be done. Always can be done better. My way.

Sheesh.

Well I’m not fooling around anymore.

I’m breaking up with perfectionism.

And unforgiveness.

The result of unforgiveness is a hard heart, a heart that is filled with bitterness, toxic to allowing the life and love of Jesus to flow through me.  My unforgiveness is not more powerful than Christ. But my turning to my own way is like drawing the blackout curtains toward the sunlight. The Light still exists and is more powerful; I’ve chosen to block it with my self-focused ways.

I can’t hold my husband captive with unforgiveness and expect to have a love-filled marriage. Click To Tweet

He is not a puppet with me pulling the strings.

Forgiveness breaks the hard shell of a hard heart like a hammer to a walnut.

And I’ve known for a long time that I am a nutcase.

But to get to the point of recognizing my nutty behavior, I begged God to do some serious surgery in my festering heart.

First confession

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Then repentance

Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

Then Hope

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Then reminder

Forget the former things;

    do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

    and streams in the wasteland.

Tomorrow is our 25^th wedding anniversary. And true to our whole lives together, we are doing things differently than others who have achieved this milestone: we’re simply going out to dinner.

It’s like how life was when we were first married. Simple.

We got married behind a bookstore by a justice of the peace because neither of us were walking in a life of faith. Our sons like to say we were married by a shaman because the JoP was a woman and it was a garden behind a New Age Bookstore. No matter. God is in the business of redemption and second chances. A lot of life has transpired in 25 years. Fun. Laughter. Love. Loss. Wounds. Change. Growth. Repeat.

Forgiveness. Keeping short accounts with each other and with God. Being quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry.

By God’s grace and the Spirit’s equipping I will not live with an unforgiving heart any longer.

It’s like when we were first married. Only MUCH BETTER!