Learning Along The Way

3 Tools for Fighting Shame

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At 19 I recognized the Hallmark card sentiments didn’t match the relationship my mother and I experienced.  Her hard comments spoken without witness; the movable measuring stick to let me know how I performed in her eyes; the lack of spoken love or approval. Hard stuff for a sensitive kid like me.

 

People told me “how proud your mother is of you” but I didn’t hear those words. Later when I became a mother she found value in me for her grandson (and later grandsons). She wrote a note in my Mother’s Day cards telling me I was a good mom, but no spoken words were shared.

I lived with the echo of an empty Mom love tank for 50 years, trying to earn favor along the way and then 7 years ago she died . The empty tank echo bounces around in my heart; sometimes faint, sometimes loud.  In the midst of a loud bounce recently I made a choice.  On a plane ride across the country to spend Mother’s Day with my mother – in – law, I stopped my downward spiral of woeful thoughts & memories. Instead I forced myself to compile a list of 10 positive characteristics my own mother instilled in me.

Taking time to think things through

Love of Words

Love of Reading

Serving people

Education & Life-long Learning

Kitchen Savvy

Love of Travel

Overcoming Adversity

Appreciation of Fashion

Care for those less fortunate than me

These are GREAT characteristics that I possess thanks to my Mother.  In spite of not hearing the words or feeling she loved me, she invested in my growth & character in many ways.

Tool #1: speak what is True

Lies can blur Truth but Truth dispels lies.

She did care or she would not have instilled these traits in me. In spite of her influence I’m one of the Dream Followers and Servers that Glennon of momastery referred to way back in her blog history (two years ago).  I am messed up and do not have it all put together. I laugh, cry and sometimes want to run away from my life. If I had it all put together I would forget where I put it because I’m post-menopausal now, so gray hair and foggy memory are a part of daily life. Oh Well.

Those are two words my dearest Hubster taught me to say 25 years ago after we married.

Oh Well.

Tool #2: see what is True

Admitting mistakes as part of life frees the hold of shame.

I bear the marks of shame and of being not enough in my mother’s eyes.

Oh well.

Perhaps that is what has made my own mothering such a sacred gift: looking at my sons as MORE THAN ENOUGH helped me grow in identity: who they are, how they’re wired paired with who I am and who I am becoming.

Tool #3: cling to what is True and let go of the rest

The Way out of Shame has been a battle and I bear scars from other woundings along the Way. I’m working at letting go of the lie of perfectionism and learning to lean into the Truth that I am loved and have a place at the Table. Just. Because.

Philippians 4:8 spells these tools out: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable,– if anything is excellent or praiseworthy– think about such things.

Some days are harder than others. But I am learning to see myself as okay in this messy middle and fight back with JOY. There’s such great freedom in this posture.

Anybody want to come out and play?

Tying Off Threads and Weaving in New

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I mentioned the other day that I have been reading two amazing books. Why are they amazing, you ask?

The words change me.

Writing is a form of communication at it’s simplest form. But when words convey meaning and meaning gets into the heart and soul of the reader, then impact and change can happen.

Margaret Feinberg is that writer.

In two of her books I’ve recently read she has masterfully conveyed meaning that goes deep; deeper than simply reading the stories.  She gets to the heart.

With a tag line “Celebrate more, Regret Less, Stare Down Your Greatest Fears” you might respond with  curiosity at least. But the title itself gives purpose to the tag line.

Fight Back with JOY.

The red balloon on the cover was enough for me. I was curious.

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I have had my share of brokenness to navigate. In this current season my waters are calm but they’re swirling for others. I recognize my part in this season is encourager; the role of Aaron and Hur coming alongside Moses to support him in prayer.

Margaret writes from first person experience of the dreaded diagnosis: Cancer. Her words are raw and purposeful. She shares the journey of truly fighting back with JOY in the midst of an incredibly dark and grueling season.

The beauty of her words floats above the bleak wasteland that must be navigated in the battle with cancer. There is no glossing over the realities; no pretending life is other than. Margaret tells it like it is and yet doesn’t leave us being overwhelmed with sorrow for her. She masterfully shows the struggles of others, not only with cancer, but within the struggles of the human condition. Fight Back with JOY presents tangible acts that bring humor, light and abiding joy into her days. And ours.

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Her words are rays of light piercing the dark cloth covering my heart; the bitterness that has surrounded me for far too long. I’ve written of loss that is not unique to me, yet how we are in any loss is what matters most. I saw in Margaret’s responses how I had allowed this darkness to settle around me; I had accepted this shroud as part of the grief process. The Light shining through the holes in the weave was just enough for me to see the Lies I had accepted as truth.

Oh my goodness. Scripture speaks of not allowing a root of bitterness to take hold lest many be defiled. But let me tell you, apart from Light revealing where those lies have taken hold, I was blind to what I was accepting into my life: the less than and bound up life.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free; Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Jesus invites us to freedom. In fact His entire life, death and resurrection secured us freedom.

 “Come to Me ALL you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

I have been subjected again to a yoke of slavery: the yoke of bitterness toward those who had actively wounded me and those who by their inaction had inflicted wounds. My battlefield was real although not with cancer. Yet I had allowed darkness to shroud the fullness of life that is mine in Christ.

Fight Back with JOY speaks into those places. Margaret shows me tangible options for dealing with the real hurts.

And I am choosing to act. No more sitting under the shroud of shame and bitterness. Not only have I clipped the black threads but they’re tied off! I’m beginning to weave in new, colorful threads of JOY.

Doing unexpected things for people. Singing again. Dancing and twirling when I used to sit still.  Yes twirling.

From these new threads of color and JOY I already see how God has been working in preparation for my response to Him.

JOY is possible. JOY is available. JOY is not simply a feeling but a result; a Way.

Margaret leads out in showing the Way to know God more deeply, to let go of the bitterness that can creep in, to actively Fight Back with JOY.

Don’t you want that in your life?

Watch this preview video of Margaret’s Bible study.

 

Anyone want to join me in this?

Love of Books: Another Common Thread

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I had the privilege of being a Story Hour reader at a local coffee shop on Thursday. It wasn’t a last minute thing; I knew about it 5 weeks in advance. I was so excited to get to share stories and songs with little people again!

I took myself to the library in our new community, applied for a library card and proceeded to spend  over an hour browsing their extensive collection of picture books. So many beloved stories caught my attention; books I had read to hundreds of children through my teaching career took back to the joy of reading aloud. Titles of Caldecott medalists I collected for my own sons also brought great joy in the memories of snuggles for stories. But I had a theme in mind as a way to choose the books, just in case there were many preschoolers as well as toddlers.

You might think toddlers? Story hour? Not a good mix! But let me say, Try It!

This is our 11 month old grand-daughter enjoying (and copying) the book Ten Tiny Toes.

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Learning to love books starts early. Reading aloud to your littles builds their vocabulary even when they’re not yet saying words.  Language is learned first by hearing. It’s amazing how little ones respond to inflection in your voice, the sing song rhythm of rhyming words, the noises that animals make. Children love to participate!

I am privileged to have the Mother Goose book that was read to me as a toddler; read so frequently that I memorized the pages and rhymes by the time I was 3. My mother loved to tell people that I was reading at 3. Some reading specialists would say impossible. I’ll tell you, we don’t know exactly when a child learns to read. It’s very mysterious. I taught children to “read” for the first 6 years of my career, have tutored children in older grades and worked with adult literacy. Reading skills can be learned at any age. The love of books is different. The love of books begins at home.

I imagine your local library has a terrific selection of picture books and probably even a story hour! Gather some of your mom friends and make a date to give it a try. Pack snacks or a picnic for afterward and go to a park for playtime and conversation with other moms. We need each other. You’ll be tired but you’ll probably be encouraged to keep on sharing stories with your children.

So much benefit from the common thread of learning to love books!

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Common Threads in this Grand Adventure

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A house was being built in my backyard. To my 5 year old way of seeing, it was giant. A real door with two real windows faced front; a real shingled roof, four wood sided walls and two more windows enclosed the house. But the best part? An entire wall with a green chalkboard for me to play school.
My dad’s dad built this for me. Me. He used all reclaimed materials from other torn down construction. It even had a beautiful hardwood floor. Grandfather loved to make things and he made them with excellence. I still remember walking into the finished playhouse as the grown ups called it. At 5 the height of the ceiling was so far away I felt the immensity of the single room. The strong smell of fresh paint and resurfaced floor boards was somehow comforting. But gazing at the wall of chalkboard was what inspired awe. The brand new white chalk lying in the tray beckoned me. All the ideas of what I could do seemed to wash over me all at once.
I grabbed hold of my Grandfather around his knees and hugged him so hard he swayed a little from the force. I told him thank you and then ran in the house, into my bedroom. I imagine my Grandfather and Dad were standing there bewildered but it made sense when a moment later I came running back out with an armful of stuffed animals.
Grandfather opened the playhouse door, held it wide and said, “School is in session!”

How did he know?

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(an Easter photo circa 1961)

I spent hours teaching my students their ABCs and singing songs to them; acting out what I had learned in Kindergarten each day. I used that chalkboard to write my letters, ever so slowly, so my students could see how they were made; writing numbers the same, slow way; turning to ask if they could see alright. I was sharing what I was learning along the way.

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(chalkboards + me = magnetic attraction; 1962)

So much can be said of the sweet knowing of the man who was my Grandfather. I’ll save that for another time.

It’s fun to reflect on this wonderful memory and to see the common thread that has run through my life these 53 years later. I have consistently loved learning. I have consistently loved sharing what I’ve learned (not always appreciated or graciously delivered; but I digress) Best of all, I have my grandparents’ chalkboard hanging in our tiny house.

We all have threads woven into the fabric of our being; evidence of our unique make up. Sometimes we lose sight of those threads that have been a part of us since our personality started to show itself. When we lose sight of the common threads that make us who we are, we can often lose our way.

Is that you today? Have you lost a sense of who you are? What makes you, You?

Life can be so full of doing for others that we get distracted from the threads that are life giving to us. I want to be clear; I don’t think this life is all about figuring out what we each need and want. But I do think our journey here is for a purpose. Gaining a sense of that purpose can be found in the common threads woven through our lives.

How can you gain that sense of purpose, a sense of self, if you don’t know where you lost it?

Great question! You go adventuring! Exploring! Excavating!

In the coming few days I’m going to share a new resource that can help you in this adventure of re-discovery and connection.

You don’t want to miss out!  If you haven’t already subscribed to my blog, please do that now so you’ll stay in the know for the next step in this Grand Adventure!

New Home, New Look

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There’s something hard about having to begin a conversation with an apology. It’s hard because it requires humility and that’s not a natural character trait for humans.

Having to apologize also implies doing something hurtful or being thoughtless which for some can bring on a ‘shame storm’.

All that being said, I’m sorry that I haven’t written here since February. I’ve physically moved residences and the blog has moved too. I hope you can forgive me and will join me in my new digs.

There’s a new look too!

Through these past three months, I’ve tried to follow the message of this jar: put the priorities in order first then all the rest falls into place.

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The bad news was the priorities filled the jar of my days and blogging fell out of the top, rolled onto the table and off onto the floor!

But I’m back and looking forward to sharing what has been sifted through as we physically moved.

Lots of learning along the Way!

Staying on the Path of Letting Go

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Lent is a process of confession and repentance.

Yesterday I confessed my struggle with discontent and my resulting focus on what isn’t.

What I didn’t write about was the glorious results of confession and repentance.

After a good cry with Jesus I went on a couple of errands that needed to be done by the end of the business day.

I saw this:

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I shared it on Instagram as soon as I saw it.  What a gift.

Today I have spent the day encouraging others. Through spoken words, through hugs, through emails, so many ways. Encouragement extended to even the sweet lady who checked my groceries at Smart & Final.

I’m a nice enough person but truly I know it was the Holy Spirit working through me. I know my “fake it till you make it” and this day was not it.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

God’s plans for me on a daily basis include encouraging people with His love and His Word.

When I saw this sign last summer I knew I would need to be reminded.

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There would be days like yesterday when I would be tempted to get down on myself or take in hard things that could distract me from my path.

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I believe it is valuable to acknowledge the hard places, the suffering we experience when there is loss of any kind. Being misunderstood, over looked, rejected or forgotten; those are all things Jesus knows. He knows how hard and hurtful those experiences are. There is a sweet Mystery that transpires when we do endure suffering; we share in the fellowship of His sufferings.

In Paul’s letter to the Philippians he expresses this Mystery this way:

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, 9 and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; 11 in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

We all have hard things. I won’t compare my things to yours; that diminishes each of our experiences. God is not surprised by what we are going through. He is sovereign over all. But in His great mercy, He helps us grow and change, little by little, to become more like His Son.

When I confessed my discontent God forgave me and showered the gracious gift of awareness and eyes to see a beautiful sunset and then He chose to work through me today to encourage others in His name.

12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Learning to let go and lean in.

Letting Go of the Land of Not Enough

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I’m feeling small today. Like Alice who drank a potion and became small, I am feeling small in my own life. And I don’t like it.

You see I dared to put myself out there in two different arenas: one in a corporate way and the other in ministry. And in both arenas I have fallen. As if I am too small to be of value or to be heard.

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So like Alice, I have fallen down, down into an unfortunate locale; I call it The Land of Not Enough.  In this Land every where I turn I see reminders, signs that say What Isn’t:  You don’t have a real job, Lisa. You are too old to be of value. You used to be…  No one cares about your experiences.  You are a has been.  Not relevant.

I just want to stop and say this hurts.

These reminders of What Isn’t touch up against the message I have lived under most of my life: your value is in what you produce/achieve. The rut in my brain is deep with that repeated familiar thought. So the Land of Not Enough has a familiar feel like an old pair of shoes…and it’s time to throw them away!

Have you felt like this? In the Land of Not Enough? Sometimes it feels like the Land of Not Enough is where we live All. The. Time.  The signs are all around us: you need to buy this to be relevant. You need to own this car, live in this area, shop at these stores. Your kids need to be in this school or this activity or you need to parent in this way…

In the Land of Not Enough I see evidences of What Isn’t, but I don’t see a single Truth about What Is.  I can focus on all of What Isn’t or I can hunt for the Truth of What Is and speak it to myself.  Author Ann Voskamp writes about her journey out of depression in her bestseller One Thousand Gifts.  (Depression is a real medical term for a serious condition but what I also think of as The Land of Not Enough. It helps me gain perspective on my struggle)   Ann learned the exceedingly abundant practice of counting the Gifts that are daily given; the practice of looking at What Is, and ultimately Who Is.

One of the pastors at the church we left when we moved to this new area spoke of the important difference between a gaze and a glance.  When we gaze at something we are focusing our attention on it.  When we glance at something we briefly acknowledge it’s existence. He said we often gaze at our circumstances and glance at God. How much better for us to gaze at God and glance at our circumstances.

In the Land of Not Enough I have to hunt for What Is and focus on What Is instead of gazing at the signs in The Land of Not Enough; the reminders that litter the sides of the rut my mind travels.

Romans 12:1-2 reminds me of What Is true.

I urge you therefore brethren by the mercies of God to present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God which is your spiritual service of worship.

And do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

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This is the path I am training my mind to walk when the signs come up from the Land of Not Enough. I don’t have to gaze at those signs even if they are true. They are NOT ALL of What Is. I am learning to let go of the worn out familiar and lean in toward the Land of More Than Enough because of Christ in me, the hope of glory.

What are you letting go of in this season of your life?

Living Things Grow; Growing Things Change

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Living Things Grow; Growing Things Change

I first heard these words on Christine Caine’s podcast; Coffee with Chris. I was on a walk through our new neighborhood and her words really pierced into me since we had just landed in a new area after 15 years in the same home.  What a challenging season that was. In some ways I am only now lifting my head consistently after almost 3 years.

I had lost the sense of how hard moving was; not just the physical, but emotional move, when leaving friends and family and familiar is involved. I had lived in the same area for almost 30 years! Changing residences always involved the physical hard work of packing and sorting; giving away and throwing away. But this move? It involved the letting go of the home where we raised our sons, the friends and church we had lived among for nearly 2 decades, our pets, and all the familiarity of streets, best coffee shops, outdoor opportunities within a moment of walking out our front door.

Letting go was hard for me. I slipped into the cavern of depression where light peeked in from far above me. Finding a place to rent that fit our simple list: 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, a gas range and a garage was harder than you’d think. What we didn’t realize at the time, because we were strangers to this new area, was our ideal price range was not going to find those creature comforts.  Coming from owning literally 2 times the amount of space to renting for 3 times our mortgage at home made me angry. It still does. But it is what it is.

The anger over less than ideal rentals (we’re now in our second place; a story for another time) wasn’t helping my overall attitude either.  I’ve heard that depression is anger turned inward. I don’t know if that is completely accurate but I knew that I needed to get out of the cavern somehow.  Getting outside and active was a first step. Interject the words I heard on my walk: Living things grow; growing things change.

If I am living then I will be growing AND changing. Those two words are to be expected not rejected. This is not our final home; why do I keep thinking everything needs to be hunky dory all the time? Some might call this magical thinking. In coaching we call it mindset.  Part of my work needed to be in the arena of self-acceptance instead of self-recrimination. A change in mindset.

In letting go I had to acknowledge I was focusing on what wasn’t, instead of being thankful for what is.  That awareness was the first step to real change.  To really lean in I needed to embrace change instead of being mad at it.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Peter 1:5-7

I look at these verses and I see the progression, the process of growth. Growth causes change. I don’t want to stay the same. I want to be in the process of letting go and leaning in; of becoming my utmost for His highest.

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In this season of Lent I am doing this very thing, one action at a time.

Where do you find yourself today? Are you in the cavern of depression? Or are you buried under a pile of to dos? Wherever it is you’re not alone. Reach out to someone who can bear witness to where you are and what you’re going through.

You may comment here; it comes to my inbox before going live. If you want to simply connect with me let me know and I won’t publish your comment.

We’re not meant to shoulder this life alone.

Practicing Sabbath During Lent

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Beauty in the weeds.

It’s in simplicity that we learn to appreciate small things. Slowing down, really seeing what is around us, paying attention; these are elements that can become a part of our daily life with practice.

Practice implies doing something more than once; doing something imperfectly, but doing something with the hope of improving.

Practicing Sabbath during Lent is going to challenge me. I’ve fallen into a rhythm that uses Sunday afternoon as a “get caught up” time rather than a time of slowing down and paying attention.

What needs attention? The house, bills, laundry, groceries all call for attention. Quietly though, I begin to feel something else needs attention. My soul. I start to feel stretched when there has been too much going; too much serving; too much doing; too much listening to others. Without refilling I have nothing of value to give. My soul needs rest from all these things. My hope is that by practicing Sabbath during Lent this draining rhythm will reset.

“The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath.” Mark 2:27

God instituted rest for our good. We’re the ones who think we must fill the days with busyness. We fill and over-fill our calendars and keep going beyond what we’re really able. And our souls dry up from the drought; a lack of watering will cause all living things to suffer.

 

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Reading. Reflecting. Resting. Refilling. Reset.

Practicing Sabbath.

I may just see beauty in the weeds of life…

 

 

 

Do Less. Be More.

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I’ve come to this season of Lent with an expectation: that I will see myself in light of God’s Word in new and deeper ways.  Not too big a deal right?

The unfortunate side effect of looking with this expectation is that I see the harsh reality: as far as I’ve come in my journey toward God’s heart I still have so far to go! What used to discourage me instead reminds me of more Truth:

“Apart from Me you can do no good thing.” Jesus

This journey is with Jesus; equipped by His Spirit to teach and guide me.

The progress I’ve made in becoming more like Jesus is real, but just as real is the Truth that this journey doesn’t end in perfection here; this journey ends in the face to face Presence of God.  This knowledge helps me relax and simply enjoy the journey a little more.

I’m learning to let go of the self-imposed pressure to keep pushing myself to do more.

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We are called human beings not human doings.

Letting go of my self-imposed structure to make room for God and to allow the Holy Spirit to impress me with an action to take has been REALLY CHALLENGING for me.  I’ve struggled to reframe my entire existence from

my value is dependent on what I do  to

my value is inherent in whose I am.

This season of Lent I am becoming even more aware of the subtle places where I cling to “doing” instead of leaning into “being”.

How does this look for you?

 

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